


Collapse

by Jezmatron



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Be warned this is an uncomfortable fic, Cheating, Closure, DONT READ IF YOU DONT LIKE UNHAPPY STUFF, F/F, F/M, Grief, I'm so so so so sorry, Infidelity, Modern AU, Not sure how much clearer I can be, Pain, SO MUCH PAIN IT GETS RIDIC, So much angst, Texting, There ain't no happy ending here for any of you., This was in my head, This will NOT have a happy GUARANTEED ending, not my usual stuff, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:53:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 34,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26470672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jezmatron/pseuds/Jezmatron
Summary: Adora's world has just been crushed. And Catra holds the hammer.She didn't think it would go so far, that it was just stupid, easy fun. No consequences, something to get away with.But turns out things have consequences and when it comes to light, you can't talk your way out of it.In this game, everyone loses.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra/Glimmer (She-Ra)
Comments: 295
Kudos: 262





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok - TRIGGER WARNINGS:
> 
> Infidelity  
> Reference historic trauma  
> Current trauma - grief  
> Current trauma - betrayal
> 
> This is not going to be a FUN fic. It's something I wrote to get the mind gremlins out. It does NOT reflect my view on CANON relationships, Glitra / Glimadora / Catradora - it's a skewed fic, using those characters to lay out some unpleasant scenarios.
> 
> The voices may not sound right, this was done in a mad rush and I am throwing it out here to see if some of you crazy people want MOAR ANGST.
> 
> Comment, please, but this is NOT a reflection on how I will be dealing with my other fics - this is very much a DARKER piece. SO, if you read it despite my warnings and hate it, feel free to flag, but I'd appreciate no pileons on how the OTP would NEVER etc.
> 
> It's an AU. I know they wouldn't. This is crazy awful universe where bad things have happened.

It’s amazing how fast your life can go from stable certainty to complete, shattered chaos. Sometimes it can be a slow, creeping horror. And sometimes, like today, it’s a single, crystalline moment that just  _ breaks _ you.

Adora had the latter.

She’d been excited. She’d managed to finally  _ finally  _ get her projects sorted at work, gotten the long-overdue time off she needed and had headed home early. Catra had complained how she hadn’t seen Adora over the past couple of months, their shared apartment feeling more empty than full of their usual  _ life _ .

Adora had owed it to Catra, after their whole drama of overcoming past slights and misunderstandings. Their reconciliation of a couple of years ago had blossomed into a true romance. Adora had stopped at a florist to pick up some flowers, along with a bottle of Catra’s favourite red wine.She knew she’d been a bit inattentive the past few weeks, that their communication  _ still _ was not quite there. Two years, though, after the fire and the fury, had forged something that she felt was worth the hassle.

It was why she was working so hard - to try to build something, to get further in work, so they’d have that foundation. Catra was an “in the moment” girl, Adora knew, but she felt she balanced that aspect of her girlfriend out. SHe knew she didn’t do  _ spontaneity _ all that well, but she was working on it.

She bustled into their apartment complex, keen to get out of her work suit-pants and blouse. She fumbled her keys in the lock and frowned as she heard music playing - it was early afternoon and Catra said she’d had work that day.. Adora had hoped to get home, setup in time for her to get back.

She pushed the door open and walked into their small apartment.

The bottle hit the floor, followed by the flowers.

Two sets of eyes turned to stare at her in shock.

Catra blinked in surprise, her expression forming to one of confusion, then horror then sudden, shame.

The girl she was  _ straddling _ on the sofa, the girl who had one hand under Catra’s shirt and the other one cupped to her face was a  _ very _ familiar girl.

Glimmer.

Her best friend, after Catra.

Adora stared at the pair, her breathing ragged, her vision suddenly tunneling. She saw the bottle of wine, the plates on the counter, the paused movie on the TV. She blinked and felt heat prickle at her eyes. Her brain went into autopilot, like it used to do. Back in the  _ bad _ days. After she’d just met Glimmer and Bow, after she and Catra had fallen out  _ big time _ . When she just wanted to get  _ through _ things.

She stalked past the pair, beelining for the bedroom. Her and Catra’s. 

In her periphery she saw Catra leap to her feet and noted her girlfriend’s pants were unbuttoned.  _ Girlfriend? _ The word stung now.

There were words, but her ears were drumming. Glimmer was scrambling off the couch as well and Adora could tell she looked  _ ill. _ Bow was going to have a  _ fun _ evening when Adora told him.

Should she tell him?

_ Priorities, _ focused Adora,  _ one thing at a time. _

She entered the room and mechanically flung open their shared wardrobe, then fished a case out. Clothes were pulled off hangars and folded carefully into the bag. She heard a voice, entreating, pitched at a ragged level, but the words were lost. Hands gripped her shoulders and she jolted away with a hiss and a glare.

Catra froze and held up her hands. She had an expression Adora categorised as  _ panicked _ . It normally indicated Catra was about to spiral, one of the things  _ they’d _ been working on, Adora trying to be as gentle as she could. Her gaze tracked past her  _ girlfriend _ to a figure in the door. Glimmer shuffled nervously at the entrance to the room and opened her mouth to speak.

Adora’s head tilted robotically and her eyes narrowed, “Get out,” It wasn’t a shout. It was monotone, dead. Glimmer flinched as if struck and stepped forwards hand coming up. Adora snarled, “Get the  _ fuck _ out.”

Glimmer’s eyes widened and she backpedaled. Catra stepped between the two, almost defensively a frown beginning to crease her forehead. And then it cleared as she realised what she’d just done. Mismatched eyes widened as Adora smirked humourlessly, then turned back to the bag. The blond shoved more clothes in, then zipped it up. SCatra was speaking, but Adora tuned it out. Her  _ girlfriend _ was trying to touch her, grab her, but was holding back, hands hovering an inch away.

Adora’s heart thundered as she pushed past the girl into the living room. Pressure on her wrist yanked her to a halt. Catra was half on the floor, breathing heavily, eyes wide and desperate, “Please… please Adora. Talk to me…  _ stay _ .”

The suitcase thunked to the floor and Adora leaned over Catra. She finally swallowed the lump of bile in her throat and took a shuddering breath, “ _ No. _ Not again. Not after….  _ No.” _

She felt the tears now. She wanted to hold them in, to stop Catra having the satisfaction that she’d, once more, cut Adora to the quick. Had this been the plan all along? Get in close to just crush her?

The way Catra was sprawled on the floor, hand still clutching at Adora’s wrist, strange, whimpering sounds coming out of her throat put that in questions, “It… it was a mistake. It….”

Adora pulled her hand free, “Words. Just  _ words _ Catra. And if I hadn’t walked in  _ just then _ ? If i’d come home, normally… how’d that have been? How many times…?”

Catra swallowed, “We uh… we haven’t…”

“How. Many?”

Heterochromatic eyes locked onto icy blue and the brunette trembled, “We… we kissed. A month ago. And….”   
  


The  _ and  _ made Adora stifle a sob. She grabbed the case and turned. She didn’t remember leaving the apartment. She saw Glimmer, briefly as the girl tried to stutter something at her. Adora blanked her and just walked. She headed for the bus station. She wasn’t sure where she was going. Why hadn’t she thrown Catra out? Would the pair just go back to  _ fucking _ ? Would they brush this off as a mild inconvenience?

Adora was angry at herself. Once again she’d removed  _ herself _ from the situation. She wanted to do something, to channel that  _ anger _ . So she pulled her phone out and texted Bow.

_ You might want a word with your WIFE. _

It dinged a moment later.

_ Hi Adora. What, you guys have a row? I’ll talk to her when she gets home. _

Adora trembled, but threw caution to the wind.

_ So her work is having her hand down Catra’s pants? _

The phone was silent and Adora pocketed it. She didn’t care, but she felt a pang of guilt - Bow didn’t deserve that. But her core was barely holding together as it was. Being the GOOD person, the stoic, the solid  _ rock _ for others only worked for so long.

She leaned against the bus shelter and felt her shoulders heave as suppressed sobs threatened to break free. And the worst part was Catra hadn’t bothered following.

Clearly expecting her dramatic  _ eyes _ to salvage this, for Adora to enfold her in forgiveness  _ again _ . The first time had been because of her abandonment issues and resentment towards Adora, which had been unfair. And Adora had let it all go, helped, stood by Catra and let her lean on her. And now, clearly, that had been so Catra could be better for  _ someone else _ .

She just hadn’t expected that someone to be  _ Glimmer _ .

That turned a whole level of bile in her stomach. Catra’s betrayal was an almost weary acceptance; not that she’d expected it, but a sad, horrible acknowledgement of her worst, buried fear that she  _ wasn’t _ good enough for someone.

But Glimmer? She’d been maid of honor at Glimmer’s wedding. Glimmer had helped her reconnect a little with older friends. Had given her the courage to be a bit more assertive. She couldn’t fathom it. She rocked back and forwards and stared at the concrete. Her eyes hurt from the effort of holding in her tears, her face a mask of barely concealed pain.

The bus pulled up and she stumbled on, then pressed her card against the contactless payment point. She flopped bonelessly into the nearest seat and stared out the window. As the bus pulled away she saw a figure spriting towards the stop only to falter arm outstretched. Adora didn’t bother to look back.

\-------------------

She got off the bus somewhere in the middle of town. Brightmoon was fairly large, and had a sizeable “downtown” with plenty of hotels. She found a fairly unassuming one and checked in, then dragged herself up to the room. She felt a twinge of resentment that  _ she _ was paying,  _ she _ was driven out of a space that had once been  _ theirs _ . But, then again, that had been her choice.

No doubt Catra would try a line like  _ you ran away _ . Was this Catra goading her to do something? If so,  _ what _ ?

Had she neglected her girlfriend? Missed the signs? She’d worked a few longer hours but nothing ridiculous. She’d taken time at weekends, tried to be there. But Catra had been distant recently.

Maybe this was it? Maybe it wasn’t ‘a couple of times’. HEr mind sizzled over the thought of  _ how long _ ?

She dumped the bag next the to the bed and sat on the edge, her gaze blank as she fixed it on the wall. What was she doing? She’d fled, yes. She hadn’t  _ solved _ anything.  _ Fixed _ it. She always fixed things. That was her  _ thing _ after all.

But what was there to fix?

This had been done to  _ her _ .

So, she had no plan, no ideas. No…. hope. In the quiet of the room, she untensed and let the sobs wrack her body. Her shoulders heaved as she wept, her fingers tense as they dug into her legs. It hurt and she wanted to feel something, understand  _ something _ tangible in all this.

Beside her her phone buzzed. Then it buzzed again. Again. Again. Again. Then it rang. She stared at the wall as the phone rang out. It rang again. Then buzzed a few more times.

Idly she flipped it over and unlocked it. Messages. All from Catra. Missed calls from Catra.

_ Please Adora _

_ Please pick up _

_ Where r u? _

_ Please come back _

_ I’m sorry. Im sorry. Please come back _

_ Pick up! _

_ Please pick up! _

_ How do I fix this? _

_ Please Adora! _

She sighed and pushed the phone away. The words felt hollow, but they still stung. Her natural instinct was always to  _ help _ .

The phone buzzed and she saw it was from Glimmer.

_ YOU TOLD BOW?!?! _

That got a faint smirk. It hurt but there was a faint visceral thrill of revenge. She felt slightly  _ guilty _ at it, but squashed the emotion. Then it buzzed again. Glimmer:

_ Im sorry… I didnt mean for this adora, i didnt want to but it just happened, but please talk to me. To us. This is just out of control. We didnt want to upset anyone. _

Adora picked up the phone and typed a single word.

_ Upset? _

No response. She tossed the phone away then pushed her hands through her hair. She caught her reflection in the hotel room’s mirror and grimaced.

Blond hair a mess, face red and puffy from crying, tear stains on her blouse. She heaved a sigh and closed her eyes. Her throat clenched as her mind immediately settled on Catra - those eyes, her warmth, her kind words.

All undercut by the  _ image _ that cut in above all of that.

She whimpered and almost reached for her phone, to text a friend. But the person she  _ would _ have messaged was…. Glimmer.

The lonlineness hit her like a freight train. It was irrational - she had lots of friends, but none on the same  _ level _ . And she imagined Bow was having his own crisis. And might decide Adora was the cause, having been the  _ bearer _ of the news.

She curled up on the bed and clutched herself as the waves hit her. She didn’t know how long she lay there - minutes? And hour? Regardless, the sobs slowly subsided, as she realised she hadn’t got much more to get out. She spasmed and whimpered, but felt cored out. She took a shuddering breath and stood. Adora swallowed more tears then rolled her head and set her jaw, She was  _ Adora Greyskull _ and she’d had bad days. She’d been let down. She’d seen through worse. Well, not worse, but pretty bad. And she was damned if she was going to just bawl her eyes out in the hotel room. 

That made her chuckle to herself - a few more times and she  _ might _ believe it.

Nearby her phone continued to buzz. It was as if it was rigging. She ignored it and looked at the bathroom. A shower would be good perhaps. 

The hotel shower was a large affair - brief memories of  _ their _ first holiday and the fun they’d had. Had Catra and Glimmer….?

She pushed the thought away and stripped down and turned the water on. She set the heat up  _ high _ and clambered in. The glass fogged up and Adora leaned against the tiles as the water turned her skin pink from the what. She gritted her teeth and whimpered as another wave of pure, distilled  _ grief _ slashed through her chest. She slid down the tiles and crouched at the bottom, knees to her chest. The water cascaded down around her and she hung her head.

Part of her wanted the door to burst in, for Catra to be there, to console her that this was an awful dream, that it was just a  _ mistake _ . But the bitter lie of that cut deeper. But she still wanted Catra’s soothing touch, the gentle murmur of her breath against her neck. That thing that was supposed to just be for  _ her _ alone.

This confirmed it, really. She wasn’t  _ good _ enough. Didn’t try hard enough. But instead of the thoughts making her cringe, they made her ANGRY.

She stood and shut the shower off, then toweled off. Behind the door, she found one of the hotel bathrobes and yanked it on, then returned to the bedroom. Her mind was narrowed and she zeroed in on the room service option. She dialed the desk and ordered food, her autopilot kicking in again with the drive to  _ sustain _ . Even in the worst times, years ago, she’d subsisted, managed to get by.

Satisfied with her options and not caring about the bill, she settled back and, reluctantly, reached for her phone.

Chaos was certainly a word to describe the activity going on during her shower. In a detached way, it was fascinating to watch. Her inbox had about 200 messages from her whole friendgroup. She scrolled to the eldest from the day and tracked through. It was clear lines were being drawn. Really. Really. Really. Fast.

_ Mermista - dude, Glim is screaming the house down. Bow got SH and me over. What gives? _

_ Mermista - shit he’s packed her bags?! _

_ Mermista - FUCK WHAT DID U DO? _

_ Mermista - NVM - call me, im sososo sorry. Tell me if we need to dig a grave _

_ Lonnie - D, Catra’s going fuckin’ apeshit, u guys have a bust up? Shes frantic _

_ Lonnie - Kyle’s gone over with R to see if she’s ok, she dint say much, just asking if u were here _

_ Lonnie - K+R are coming back. Didnt sound happy. Whats going on? _

_ Scorpia - ADORA! U pick up now! WHat did you do 2 Catra? Shes in tears! How could you do that? I was always sure you’d break her heart _

_ Scorpia - so help me you better pick up _

_ Scorpia - Adora, I need to apologise for the tone of my last messages. Perfuma just spoke to me. I am so so so so sorry. I will talk to Catra, see if we can’t sort this. Please do call me, I would love to help solve this. _

_ Glimmer - He kicked me out _

_ Glimmer - I hope ur happy _

_ Glimmer - That was shitty. Im sorry. I deserve this. But it hurts. Please Adora. Can we talk? We can sort this out. _

_ Glimmer - Can we meet? Maybe? I don’t know what to say to make this better. It was a stupid, drunk thing. It wasn’t an affair! It was just _

_ Glimmer - Let me talk to you, please. We’ve been through a lot! I’ve earned that, maybe? _

_ Glimmer - Ok that was also shitty please. Adora. I know you don’t want to have things end like this! _

More missed calls - one from  _ Angella _ of all people. Adora smirked, but there was an edge to it. Was Glimmer getting  _ mom _ involved? To what, brow beat Adora into something?

Catra hadn’t stopped, it seemed. The texts veered from single word  _ please _ to a full on paragraph of rambling pleading. How it was drunken silliness, flirting that got out of hand, she needed to work on her impulses, she couldn’t do this without Adora etc.

It rang kind of hollow as Adora read it. Perhaps that was the fact she felt empty right now. Just  _ done _ .

The phone buzzed. Bow’s face appeared as the contact indicator. Adora sighed and answered, “Hi.”

“ _ Adora, thank god. We were worried.” _

“We?” Adora’s voice felt leaden and she felt the momentary relief of the shower bleed away. Bow sighed.

_ “Mermista and Seahawk are here. Catra’s been calling everyone, trying to find you.” _

“And…  _ her _ ?” Bow swallowed and Adora felt her heart break again  _ for _ Bow, “I’m… sorry Bow. Shitty way for me to tell you.”   
  


_ “You mean there’s a good way to tell someone their wife’s having an affair?” _

Adora sighed, “Was it? I mean, if I’m being fair, I just found her with her hand up..”

_ “No. I think it was more than that,”  _ Adora’s stomach lurched, “ _ Well, not much, but at a tipping point, maybe. They’d been connecting, spending lunches together. Friend stuff, like we do… but…” _

Adora sniffled, “Yeah, fuck, Bow.  _ Fuck _ .”

He sighed at the other end of the line, “ _ Where are you?” _

She rubbed a sleeve under her nose, “Hotel. Midtown. Can’t remember the name. Don’t wanna be anywhere  _ familiar _ right now.”

_ “Yeah…. Yeah. I um… I sent her to her mom’s. Has she tried….?” _

“She wants to talk. To  _ settle _ this.”

Bow blew out a breath and Adora could sense him pacing. He was one of her  _ best _ friends and their mutual pain was a horrific bonding moment. Sadistic, really, “ _ Should we?” _

“I…. I don’t know. What if they  _ lie _ ? What if we say it’s fine and… it happens again? I’m,” she whimpered and swallowed a sob, “I’m  _ tired _ Bow. I thought I was doing everything right. That I’d done my share of letting people just… take advantage. That I was stronger.”

  
  


_ “Hey… hey, don’t think like that. I don’t think this was about you…. Or me. I think…. I think it was a stupid, circumstantial thing…” _

Adora laughed bitterly, “Ah, so I’m of so little consequence that a  _ circumstance _ can excuse it? Great. Sounds like it’ll be a few weeks in the dog house for Glimmer then back to happy families.”

“ _ Hey, I didn’t say…”  _ Bow didn’t sound angry, but was clearly ruffled, “I _ t’s… it’s probably complicated…” _

“Don’t defend this, Bow. Be  _ angry _ . And let  _ me _ be angry. LET ME,” she slapped her fist against her chest to emphasise her words, “Because I let her in  _ again _ . And she  _ did this _ . And your  _ wife _ helped. After  _ everything. _ ”

Bow was silent, then spoke softly, “ _ I know, Adora… and… and I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if you should be alone. _ ”

“Too late,” she managed and hung up. She dropped the phone on the bed, then picked it up and threw it across the room. She lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She smiled bitterly - she’d used her holiday days - booked a whole two weeks. For Catra. To spend some time.

Oh what bitter irony.

She stayed like that, hearing the odd buzz of her phone. Slowly, the buzzing tapered off, which she wasn’t sure she was  _ happy _ about. Oh well,  _ Adora is being inconvenient _ she thought,  _ Adora’s making such a fuss! Why won’t Adora just get over it and HELP. _

A knock at the door announced room service - a meatball sub and a whole four tubs of ice cream.

Fuck it, she deserved a cheat day. The irony of the words weren’t lost on her.

She found a crappy film on the tv and devoured her food. She wondered if she should feel apathetic, listless and have no appetite; but she knew from experience she tended to carb load under stress. She was a  _ big _ eater. Which was why she was also pretty gym-focused. She wondered, idly, if the hotel had a gym at all.

She finished the food and glanced out the window - black skies and street lights. She wondered if Glimmer and Catra had stuck at the apartment, had tried to figure out a story or something - damage control. Or if they’d just cut and run, trying to solve everything. The messages would indicate the  _ latter _ . Her thoughts drifted to the  _ what next _ element that her task-oriented mind tended to draw up when faced with a plan.

She’d done step 1 - remove herself from the situation to get a better view: aka run like hell. Step 2 was analysis of options. Go back to Catra. Go find Glimmer and have a raging screaming match. Go see Bow and map out a plan. Or run further away.

Step 3 was to take those options and measure it against  _ long term _ goals. And that was where things got  _ messy. _

Because her long term goal had been  _ Catra _ . Not just a future, not just a relationship, but  _ everything _ . No future made sense without her.

But how could she  _ have _ a future with someone so careless with her at her most  _ core _ level. Someone who slipped on the most  _ basic _ of expectations?

So, she was in a bit of a rut. Step 3 needed a whole rethink. And she didn’t feel equipped to remap her whole life at this moment in time. She was too angry, too wired, too  _ hurt _ to make any really rational decision.

Across the room her phone buzzed again. Adora sighed and climbed off the bed, then trudged over and picked it up - it was remarkably unscathed. The message was from Perfuma

_ Adora, I can’t imagine the pain. I know you are being overwhelmed. Can we talk? I know you need someone who won’t steer you to an agenda. I hope I can be that person. You aren’t the only one hurting, but you are the one hurt the most. And frankly, I can’t counsel anyone else without getting annoyed…. _

Adora smiled faintly. Perfuma had always been a bit odd, but Adora was fond of her - she’d helped Scorpia out of her shell. And, of all of them, Bow included, was perhaps the most resilient and strong emotionally. Mentally, too.

She eyed the phone, then dialled with a sigh. PErfuma picked up at the second ring, “ _ Adora?” _

“Hey.”

_ “You sound…. Unbalanced.” _

“Yeah, had a weird day, y’know,” scoffed Adora, “Not having a great time.”   
  


Perfuma made an understanding noise, then spoke, “ _ You have every right. And any anger you are feeling is valid. Listen to it. See what it tells you.” _

“That I want to break something?” Adora felt the lump in her throat wobble, “That I want to…. Forget? Can I do that Perfuma? Can I look at Catra again and  _ not _ see what I saw? Every time she smiles at me again, how do I know that she hasn’t smiled  _ like that _ at someone else…. When she… when she….”

Adora hunched over again and wheezed, her chest tight. Perfuma’s voice was urgent over the phone, “ _ Adora, it’s ok. Breathe. Let it out.” _

“I have. It won’t  _ stop _ . When does it  _ stop _ ?”

_ “It doesn’t…. Not truly. How you react to it is what matters. This is the early stages of grief. The pain is necessary. But…. you shouldn’t suffer alone. Where are you. I can come see you?”  _ Adora opened her mouth to object, but Perfuma jumped in _ , “Just me, I promise. No one else will know. And I  _ know _ how you feel about promises right now.” _

Adora wanted to be  _ alone _ . But she also knew, on some other level, that she was wallowing. And she’d only had a  _ day _ . If that. She swallowed, “Yeah… thats Perfuma. Tomorrow. Maybe….”

_ “Adora…” _ the phone slipped from the blonde’s fingers as she hung up. She collapsed back onto the bed and cried some more, before her hunched frame fell asleep.

\--------

When she woke up, the sun looked to be well past the midpoint of the sky - she didn’t feel all that rested, her sleep mostly dreamless. She felt listless, bleary-eyed and went through the motions around the room. Shower, bathrobe, tv. She ignored the phone. She dialed room service and informed the front desk her checkout would be a couple more days out. The day drifted on and she ignored the intermittent buzz from her phone. At some stage the battery must’ve died as well. She slipped into another dreamless, heavy sleep.

Day three was the most painful. She woke up and reached for Catra, then curled into herself and wept.

Had they given up? Gone back to  _ her _ apartment? Were they consoling each other for their mistakes with  _ more _ mistakes.

Rage hit her gut then. A sudden desire to wipe the slate clean.

Stage 2 of planning hit - clear out the apartment. It wasn’t a  _ rational _ plan. But she needed to set a  _ boundary _ to do  _ something _ to regain control beyond being absent.

She dragged her charger out of the bag and plugged her phone in, then showered and dressed in clean clothes - jeans and a rugby shirt from her college days. Then she dialled PErfuma, ignoring the new 50+ unread messages.

_ “Adora, we were worried! Are you…” _

“You and Scorpia. I need a van, I want to be at the apartment this afternoon and I need to clear it out. My stuff.”

“ _ Um… is that… wise? It’s a rather definitive move. It might be confron-” _

“Perfuma, “ Adora’s voice was ice, “My girlfriend was  _ fucking _ my best friend. I think we’re  _ past _ confrontation.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone, “ _ Scorpia might not…” _

“Scorpia doesn’t have to choose a side. I’m asking. If you say no, then no harm no foul. I’ll just rent a van and go myself. And see who else is around. Worst case I can do it myself. But maybe Scorpia can make sure Catra isn’t there… I don’t know if I can… handle that.”   
  


_ “I’ll…. I’ll ask.” _

Adora hung up, then scrolled through some self-storage units on her phone and booked one. Calmly, she sat and waited, eyes on the wall. Her phone rang and Perfuma spoke slowly,  _ “Scorpia says you can use the van…. She’ll meet you outside and you and I can go in while she… keeps Catra occupied.” _

“Keep an eye on your girl, Perfuma,” joked Adora bitterly, “See you in an hour then.”

\---------------------------

It felt  _ wrong _ to stand outside the apartment. She’d met Scorpia and Perfuma outside and been swept up in one of Scorpia’s hugs. The platinum haired giant of a woman nearly crushed her and whispered apologies with tears streaming down her face. Adora had disentangled herself and managed a brave smile, “Sometimes… it just doesn’t work out, right?”

She walked down the road with Perfuma and stood at the corner. She didn’t watch, but she heard the clatter of the apartment door as someone exited at speed. Then the sound of a scuffle and muffled words. Scorpia seemed to be restraining Catra to some degree, talking softly to her.

Perfuma placed a hand on Adora’s shoulder and looked her in the eye, “You will need to talk to her. I can’t and  _ shouldn’t _ tell you what to do. You’re grieving. Your whole world has…. Has changed, Adora. Your understanding of things and the people you trusted, I won’t lie, that’s been shaken. But you’re a  _ kind _ person… I’m sure time will.”

Adora inhaled and fixed a brittle smile, “You saying I should make nice?”

Perfuma considered and shook her head, “No. But… maybe understanding and talking will help you move on.”

Adora sagged and Perfuma’s other hand came over to steady her, “It’s over, isn’t it?”

“Only if you  _ want it _ to be. And do you want it to be over?”   
  


_ “How _ can it not be? I trusted her and…. And…”

The other blonde enveloped her in a hug and Adora heaved a sob, then clung to her friend. Perfuma gently stroked down her back, “I know. I know. But… ripping everything away? Is that what you want to do? Because it… it will set a precedent.”

Adora seethed through her tears and clutched at Perfuma’s dress, “I don’t  _ know _ . I want to  _ run _ . I don’t want to look back but  _ I miss her _ . I thought…. Thought this would give me  _ space _ .”

“It’s been…. Three days, Adora. You need to be angry at her, be in her space, hash out where you both stand… then decide.”   
  


“Thought you weren’t going to tell me what to do,” muttered Adora.

“I know. But,” Perfuma surprised her by sniffling, “Seeing you like this. I’ve  _ never _ seen you like this Adora. Never. I don’t think you’re in a good place to decide. SO, let’s go in and… well, if you want to tear it all out I’ll help.”

Adora nodded into the crook of Perfuma’s neck, then stepped back. She looked at the apartment entrance and stalked towards it. It felt  _ alien _ inside. The lobby was lit but felt like something out of a TV show - fake, plastic. The stairs were endless, it felt like. And then the door.

Beyond lay pain.

She drew in a breath and pushed it open. And froze.

The living room was a mess of smashed glass over by the counter. A thrown wine glass? Spilled wine on the floor. Adora’s own wine bottle sat, untouched on the counter. The flowers laid, almost reverently, beside them. Her throat tightened. The sofa looked to have been stripped down - the cushions had no covers. Adora huffed and walked to the bedroom.

The bed didn’t look as if it’d been slept in. She avoided it and looked at the wardrobe. All her clothes were down, on the floor in some sort of nest. Slowly, she sank to her knees and pushed her forehead to the pile and keened. Perfuma knelt next to her and rubbed small circles into her back.

Adora exhaled, then pushed herself up. She walked around the apartment and shivered - it didn’t  _ feel _ like home. It felt  _ wrong _ . Violated. She didn’t feel  _ safe _ here. But her glances took in the pictures, the small nick-nacks and collected  _ fluff _ of years of knowing Catra.

But how much did she  _ really _ know her?

Not enough to spot the girl embarking on an  _ affair _ with her best friend. Was it an affair? Was Bow right?

All she had right now was  _ anger _ . Betrayal. But she was also at her wits end. This was precisely the sort of line she’d  _ said _ to Catra she was terrified of people crossing - not being valued, being just an  _ accessory _ . Being made a fool of. Having her guarded trust wrenched away. And Catra  _ knew _ about betrayal. So  _ why? _

She slumped and swallowed, thickly, then swayed. She had only had a pastry from the hotel breakfast bar that morning and her body was craving something. It was craving  _ someone _ as well, someone who normally comforted her. But that someone was now just a source of pain.

“I need to talk to Catra,” she managed, “But… not here. Can’t be here. Need somewhere…”

“Our place. I’ll take you,” murmured Perfuma. Adora nodded slowly and let Perfuma help her to her feet, “Do… do you want to talk to Glimmer too?”

Adora just shrugged, “Whatever. Let’s make it a freaking  _ party _ . I appear to have detonated everyone’s relationships. Lets see what a threeway can do!” she sounded drunk and she sagged against Perfuma who helped her, unsteadily out of the apartment. Outside, she drew in a breath, but it didn’t really help. The numbness was starting to settle in.

She leaned against the van and watched as Perfuma walked up the sidewalk to speak with Scorpia. Adora could make out a figure hunched over on the steps in front of another apartment entrance and shifted her eyes away. Part of her wanted to run over and wrap the girl in a hug. Another wanted to slap her.

Right now, she hated being in love.

Idly she pulled her phone out and indulged her masochistic side - the texts from friends were mostly supportive but curious. Some were neutral, not wanting to  _ pick sides _ . Glimmers were intermittent, varying between  _ mistake  _ and  _ we got lost in it _ . Whatever “it” was. And “it” sounded like more than  _ a couple of drunken kisses _ .

Bow was dour, just checking to see if she was ok. She fired off a brief update that she was going to Perfuma’s. And that she was going to talk to Catra. He called immediately.

_ “Hey… are you ok?” _

_ “ _ Same as ever: no.”   
  


_ “Yeah, stupid question, sorry. You… you going to talk to Glimmer?” _

“Have you?”

_ “Barely. She mostly cried down the phone. Doesn’t know what she’s feeling, apparently. I think she knows she’s just… screwed up. But she can’t process it easily. She’s in panic mode, she’s angry at herself. But I don’t think she’s worked out the why.” _

Adora rolled her eyes and snorted, “Angry she got caught? Angry she got involved? Angry that she may have  _ fallen _ for Catra?”

She heard Bow whimper and sighed. That wasn’t kind but she felt it was  _ necessary _ , “ _ I don’t… know. I’m going to see my Dad’s. I haven’t…. Told them. I want to try to handle this between us. I mean, our friends know.” _

“I didn’t tell anyone but you. Blame Catra going postal. Or Glimmer.”   
  


_ “Yeah. You know Catra was out most of the night trying to find you, right?” _

“Too little, Bow.”

_ “She cares, Adora. There’s… there’s GOT to be a reason,”  _ she recognised the bargaining in his voice - he was trying to convince himself. She sighed again.

“Wrong place, wrong time? Maybe they’re the real soulmates and we’re the idiots who they had to go through to realise that,” it felt horrible to say it, but reinforced that barrier around her heart. It was easier if she convinced herself Catra  _ didn’t _ care. Made it easier to think this was just the start of an inevitable slide where she could go back to being  _ safe _ Adora.  _ Secure _ Adora.

_ Independent _ Adora who would do fine alone.

Again.

“ _ Maybe… but I need to know, Adora. For closure. Can…. can we talk to Glimmer? Together?” _

“Maybe. I think she might be going to Perfuma’s for this  _ chat _ . And y’know…” her voice skipped slightly, “y’know, I’m scared I’m gonna walk in and they’re gonna be holding hands and saying  _ we’re gonna make a go of it _ … and… and…”

_ “Hey… HEY,”  _ she could hear how watery Bow’s voice was,  _ “However this goes…. I’m still gonna be here. This doesn’t impact US, ok? Whatever those two did, or didn’t do or want to do…. We need to keep going.” _

“Not so hot on the forgiveness?”

_ “I… thought about it and…. Yeah I’m mad, Adora. Angella called me, y’know. Furious. With Glimmer. Apologising. She try you?” _ _  
  
_

“Yeah, haven’t spoken. Don’t want to deal with that.”

_ “I… I want to understand Adora.” _

_ “ _ Yeah. Yeah, me too,” she closed her eyes and rolled her shoulder, “Come on over to Perfuma’s. Let’s…. Let’s see how this goes.”

\--------

Perfuma drove her to her and Scorpia’s block - a small apartment just on the edge of town. She left Adora there and went back to collect Scorpia and Catra. That left Adora to stew as she sat in the kitchen of the apartment. She made herself a coffee and settled down, gaze firmly on the table top. A finger traced a pattern against the wood grain and she tried to regulate her breathing. Her knee bounced under the table.

She stood and paced, emotions roiling between anxiety and flashes of rage. She flexed her hands and sighed. A knock at the door made her jump and she moved across to peer through the peep hole. She sagged and opened the door to reveal Bow.

He looked  _ terrible _ . His dark skin looked paler, drawn and his eyes were sunken. He managed a faint smile, “Heyyyy Adora.”

She deadpanned, “You look like shit.”   
  


“Yeah, feel like it too. Wooo,” he made a little wave and Adora couldn’t help but smile. She stepped aside and he trudged in, “Any chance of coffee?”

“Yeah think so. Didn’t use the last spoon. Perfuma’s  _ home grown _ stuff or instant?”

“Instant. Don’t want to risk tripping out.”   
  


“Sound plan.”

They sat at the table in silence and sipped at their coffee. They both tensed at the sound of the door. Adroa inhaled and Bow straightened.

Perfuma came in first, face unreadable, followed by Scorpia, who just looked  _ heartbroken _ . A smaller figure trailed them. Adora’s heart clenched, though she couldn’t quite parse the emotion.

Catra looked  _ bedraggled _ . Her hair was a mess and her clothes were the same from three days ago. That both irked and gave Adora a sense of savage satisfaction. But the way the girl held herself was so so reminiscent of Catra from their childhood - drawn into herself, small. Vulnerable.

Cowed.

Adora wanted to hug her, console her. And yet she just leaned back in her chair; right now she wasn’t sure if this was an act, a means of getting a reaction from Adora. Catra always knew how to play to her emotions and, to Adora’s knowledge, had only done it maliciously when they were at odds, over her moving out and finding a new life in Brightmoon.

But now she wondered whether all this wasn’t some elaborate trick. It hurt to think that, but she was at sea here.

There was the sound of footsteps and a tall woman appeared at the door. Adora blinked in surprise at the sight of  _ Angella _ . Glimmer’s mother and a rather important city official. She was dressed in a business suit and skirt and radiated indignation. She yanked her arm and another figure stumbled into view in the doorway. Glimmer looked terrified. With a sigh, Angella pushed her daughter into the apartment then stepped in after her. She offered a sad smile at Adora and then walked around the group to embrace Bow. She straightened and stepped away, then folded her arms.

Adora sipped her coffee as Glimmer stepped forwards. She saw the purple haired girl reach, tentatively for Catra’s hand.

But Catra snatched it away with a hiss and a glare that was  _ so _ familiar. So like Catra of old. Hurt, scared,  _ broken _ . She didn’t look at Adora, not even a glance. So that meant she was either  _ in character _ so well OR she didn’t check Adora’s reaction. Glimmer paled and shrank.

Adora sighed and closed her eyes, “Thanks… everyone,” her voice was tired, so so tired. The sound of it made Catra shrink further, “So, lets… lets just work out what this is  _ for _ and we can… get on, I guess.”

Angella frowned and then spoke, softly, “Of course, Adora. I think… maybe if Perfuma, Scorpia and I give you all some… space. We’ll be right outside. I hope this can be resolved… if not amicably, at least with some decisive  _ closure _ for the wounded parties.”

Glimmer flinched and looked ill. Catra hung her head. Perfuma walked to Adora and gave her a squeeze on her shoulder, “Talk with your heart, Adora. Don’t let the gut guide you too much.”

Adora gave a shrug, then gestured to the chairs across the table from her and Bow. Glimmer and Catra slid into them. Again Glimmer tentatively reached out to Catra, clearly needing  _ some _ support. But the brunette shrank away and stared at the table top. Adora blew out a breath, her nerves suddenly still and her mind crystal clear. She leaned over the table and folded her arms across it.

“I think we all need a little  _ talk _ , hey Catra?”

Glimmer opened her mouth and Bow coughed. She swallowed and mouthed words, her face a complete picture of grief and fear. She finally found her words, “We’re… we’re sorry. But… it was…”

She faltered and looked at Catra for support. The brunette had her head down, but raised it to look dully at Glimmer, “What?”

“Tell them!”

“Tell them  _ what _ ?”

“That… that we… we want to…  _ try _ ?”

Adora stiffened and Bow sagged. Catra blinked and cocked her head, “What?”

“I… I thought that was… thought that was why I was at…?”

Catra laughed, a bitter sound, “I…” her voice cracked and she looked at Adora helplessly. Adora stared back, eyes flat, arms folded. She narrowed her gaze and Catra sank back, “I wanted to call it off, Sparkles.”

Glimmer gasped. Adora snorted and looked away. Glimmer’s lip trembled, “But… we…”

“ _ We _ did nothing, Sparkles. We had a couple of kisses, we got drunk on lunch time meets and had  _ two  _ fumbles. And that didn’t  _ go _ anywhere.”   
  


Glimmer swallowed and worked her jaw. She sagged and spread her hands, “Then WHY!”

Catra flinched but Adora leaned forwards, “Yeah Catra. Why? Why’d I find you ready to go for it?” The brunette stared at Adora, shock on her face at the ice in the blonde’s voice, “And just two fumbles? You sure? Because, let’s be clear here,  _ lie _ , and this is guaranteed one way.”

The two cowed girls exchanged glances and Glimmer twitched, “We…. had sex once. And it was just two… near moments, before the apartment.”   
  


Adora pushed a fist to her mouth and tensed. Catra seemed to slide down the chair. Bow was rock solid and reached over to squeeze Adora’s shoulder. The blonde stared at the table, “When. And  _ where _ .”

Catra opened her mouth, “Adora I swear….”

_ “When. _ And.  _ Where. _ ”   
  


Glimmer shuddered, “First kiss was…. Two months ago, lunchtime meetup during work, got a bit drunk and… and…”

Catra continued, in a rush, “We… we got carried away at… at Mermista’s office bash. You were working couldn’t make it, Bow was out of town. I was… lonely, Glimmer came along.”

“Sex was…” Glimmer winced, “We…. we….”

Adora shook her head and Catra waved her hands, “Not our bed, Adora… NOT there….”

“Where?”

“It wasn’t sex… reallly… just…” Glimmer whimpered, “Catra.. Just… at the Crimson club?”

Adora blinked and stared, “I… I came late, right? You guys were somewhere, but Mermista said you… was  _ she _ covering….?” her voice rose and octave and the girls shook their heads rapidly.

“No! NO!” came from Glimmer, “We…. we just got super drunk and… Catra she… said she wanted me and…”

Catra flinched and looked away from Adora, “I… was… I was missing you and… we’d been flirting. It was jsut supposed to be flirting but… it kept escalating. Then you were there and I felt… ”

“Don’t you  _ dare _ ,” hissed Adora, “You don’t  _ blame _ me for this. I am  _ done _ taking shit for your behaviour. I apologised for that  _ shit _ two years ago, took all that on. You  _ don’t _ get to play that line on me, like some budget Sharon Weaver tribute act.”

Catra glared at her, but the expression held no heat. She swallowed and nodded, “I… I didn’t know… I just  _ acted _ out. I got drunk, I got  _ lonely _ . I missed you, and…”

“Then you should have SAID something!” wailed Adora and slapped her palms onto the table. She sagged, “And yeah, bullshit on  _ calling it off _ .”

“It… it was a goodbye, I swear, I just… got… drunk and Glimmer….”

Glimmer blinked and murmured, “One for the road… you were giving me a  _ pity _ fuck?”

“I wasn’t going to… well, I… I  _ don’t know _ . It was… it was a fucking  _ mistake _ . I got lost, I got scared and I just… I could see I was going to hurt Glimmer and I didn’t want to hurt  _ you _ Adora, I swear, I SWEAR. I just… got lost in the moment. I forgot that sense of… being  _ wanted _ . By someone else?”

Adora sat back and laughed mirthlessly, “You lashed out, but this time with  _ affection _ ? Fuck’s sake Catra. Change the record,” she sagged, “So, I really  _ wasn’t _ enough, huh?”

Something clearly breaks in Catra and she lunged across the table to grapple for Adora’s hand, “No! NO NONO! It’s me, I wasn’t enough I just… just felt I needed to know and… Sparkles and me we were getting on and… we crossed a line and I didn’t know how to reel it back, it was so… fresh, nice to have someone appreciate me and you were… I  _ know _ it’s wrong, but I felt we were growing distant and…”   
  


Adora met her gaze and pulled her hand free. Catra whimpered, and Adora shook her head, “That is the worst excuse ever. You saw an opportunity to get what  _ you _ wanted. To get  _ away _ with something. And you took it. I don’t mean  _ anything _ to you, do I? Not beyond some sort of scorecard?”

Glimmer leaned away at the monotone in Adora’s voice. Catra flexed her hands on the table and stared at Adora, “You mean… so much more to me,” whispered the brunette, “So… so much. I… just knew I wasn’t  _ worth _ it. But… I  _ was _ lonely. We talked about your work, about how I DON’T see you, how you’re always prioritising it over  _ us _ .”

Adora sniffled, “My fault?” Catra shook her head and swallowed.

“No… No Adora, this.. .this was  _ me _ . I did a stupid thing. I did what I used to do when I panic, when I… when I have no  _ out _ . I didn’t feel you were listening to me and…”

“I booked time,” whispered Adora. She stared at the table, “I booked two weeks. So we could… do stuff. Nothing big. Just be  _ us _ . I know we were drifting, I tried to be home, but I wanted this to be  _ stable _ so I need to give us stability. Can’t you see that?”

Catra cringed and tears began to run, “I… I…” the words didn’t come as the girl clutched her sides.

Adora looked at Glimmer, “And what, is this your  _ I don’t like people not focusing on me _ game again, Glimmer?”

The purple haired girl wrung her hands and shrugged, “I… I like Catra,” it was a simple statement. She looked at Bow, “I  _ love _ you Bow. So much. But… Catra was just  _ there _ and it felt inevitable and… and I realise it really  _ wasn’t _ . It was two people who just got stupid and carried away.”

Adora felt her stomach knotting and she took a sip of the coffee in front of her, now lukewarm, “Well.”

Silence fell around the table. Bow had been silent throughout. He croaked a question, “So, what. You guys got drunk and then kiss and then decide you’re going to tell us you’re going to leave us… when?”

Catra reared back, “I wasn’t going to leave Adora,” she cried. Adora shrugged.

“Just… have some fun, right? No harm, no one needs to  _ know _ ?” she didn’t have the energy to put venom in the words, just defeat, “And it had to be with someone I trusted too. What’d have happened if I came to you with my suspicions, huh Glimmer? What’d you have  _ advised _ I do?”

Glimmer couldn’t meet her eyes, “I don’t… know. I can’t change my feelings. I think… I do care about Catra. A lot. And… and Bow, I don’t  _ know _ ! I don’t know what that means for  _ us _ because I  _ love _ you. And it just… spiralled. We were fine until we were alone and then… then it just..”   
  


Catra nodded sluggishly, still clinging to herself, “It was stupid. It was… opportunity, y’know? That old spark of connection? I thought it was real, for a moment. Tricked myself. But every time,  _ every _ time I felt a shitheel. And then we’d go out to say  _ no more _ and it’d go stupid.”

Adora didn’t look up, “So, fuck in our bed for a last hurrah, huh?”

“No, I…. I don’t know Adora. I was trying to… and we’d been drinking and we started to play fight and then… it got heated and then you….” she looked up, “And my world fucking  _ broke _ . I knew… I knew that was it. I knew it. And it  _ wasn’t worth it _ . Not for this. Not for that expression on your face. Please Adora…. Tell me how I  _ fix _ this.”   
  


Glimmer looked hurt as Catra barreled on. Bow looked defeated. Adora was numb. She stared back at Catra.

“Fix it? Have you got a time machine, Catra? Want to go back and slap your idiot self, tell her no?” she put her head in her hands, “I don’t know if this  _ can _ be fixed. Because if I leave… what then? You fallback on Glimmer?”

Catra’s jaw worked and she frowned “Is… what?”

“It wouldn’t be  _ my business _ would it? You’d be a free agent. So maybe I should be the noble person here, give you what you two want?”

She watched the two of them. Catra, wisely, didn’t blurt anything out. She stared at Adora. Glimmer swallowed, then glanced at Catra. The brunette exhaled and shook her head.

“No.”

Adora arched an eyebrow, “No?”

“No… I… I fell for the  _ idea _ . Thought I was… carefree, that you didn’t care, so you wouldn’t mind,” she shook her head, “Which was fucking stupid and an excuse and… the worst reasoning,  _ I know _ . It was selfish. I wanted… recognition that I wasn’t  _ getting _ . And that’s not fair on you Adora, but I did need it. I just… should’ve asked. This was… it was a rush.”

Glimmer sagged and nodded. She sniffled and rubbed her nose. Adora gazed at her, dispassionate, then back at Catra. She stood and took her mug to the sink, then leaned against the countertop and stared at the contents of the sink, “This… is not what I want to be doing. I don’t know how to come back from this, Catra.”

There’s no response but she doesn’t turn around. Bow coughs, “I think… I think I need some time.”

“Bow,” pleaded Glimmer. He made an irritated noise.

“You just confessed to  _ maybe _ being in love with a mutual best friend. Who  _ was _ the girlfriend of  _ your _ best friend. And you’re expecting me to just… be ok? To forgive? To move on? No, Glimmer. I need some time. I… I want to trust you, I want to know I can. But… you do this once? What turns your head next?”

Glimmer sniffled again and gestured with her hands, “It… it just happened! We were talking and then… we were.. We were  _ lonely _ . We just felt we’d… run out of things, that your focuses were elsewhere.”   
  


Bow’s chair scraped across the floor, “Like Adora said, talk to me. I can’t read minds. And...well, I just find this weird, y’know? After all the grief you gave me about Perfuma, years ago? How possessive you were? Jeez Glim... I need some air.”

He stepped away from the table and touched Adora’s shoulder. She nodded and he headed for the door. Glimmer made a noise in her throat and stood, then stumbled towards the door. Catra snorted.

“Think that one’s sailed, Sparkles.”   
  


“Fuck you,” hissed Glimmer.

“Yeah, we can see how that worked out,” snarked Catra, then flinched her own words. Glimmer turned away and dashed after Bow and the door slammed behind her.

Adora heard Catra slide her seat back and then heard the pad of her shoes on the floor. The brunette stood about six feet away and swallowed, “I… I didn’t know where you were.”

“When?”   
  


“When you… you ran. I… I wish you’d stayed. We couldn’ve…”

“What would you have done if I hadn’t found out Catra?”

The question stops Catra’s ramble cold. The brunette blinked and shuffled, “Um, I… I…”

“You said it was a last one, but… really? How long? Before I did something ‘wrong’ again? Or how long until Glimmer battered down your resistance? How long before you begin  _ hating _ me?”

Catra took a tentative step forwards, “I… I couldn’t.”

“You don’t  _ care _ Catra. You don’t think. You just…. Do,” Adora’s knuckles whitened as she clutched the counter, “How do I  _ trust _ you after this? Or was that the plan? Some weird way of  _ showing _ me? So, what? I walk away and prove you right? Make you validate that whole ‘no one cares?’ Or do I push through this and you think ‘huh, I can do damn near anything and Adora will let me off the hook’?”

She turned her gaze to Catra and clearly the brunette could see the despair in her eyes. The shorter girls heterochromatic eyes widened and she choked back a sob of her own. A hand came up and she reached helplessly for Adora, “How do I  _ fix _ this Adora?”

“I want to hug you so much  _ it hurts _ Catra. I want you to hold me and tell me this will all go away. But… it won’t. And I  _ know _ I’m not the only one you feel that way about, or who you can focus on. Maybe that’s selfish, maybe you want an open relationship maybe…”

“No! No I just want you, Just you. Please Adora. Please. Let me  _ fix _ this. Let me be better.”   
  


Adora screwed up her eyes, “I thought we were doing that. And maybe I have been zealous at work. Maybe I have been distant. But if your first action for just  _ two months _ is to grab the closest girl… I can’t do this. You  _ broke _ me before Catra. You’re breaking me again. Maybe that’s what you wanted all along. Well done. You win.”

Adora turned away from the counter and wandered for the door. She wanted to be  _ away _ . Maybe they could talk more another time, but she wasn’t sure  _ how _ . Fingers brushed hers and she froze. Catra stood, tentative, vulnerable, but resolute, near to her, but still giving her space. She hadn’t grabbed and she held both hands up, “I  _ want _ to fix this. I know… I know I don’t  _ deserve _ a chance, Adora. I know I’m scum right now. But, please. I don’t know what to say to change your mind.”

The blonde regarded her silently. Her emotions tore through her with such force she wanted to jerk around with the impact of them. But she stared at Catra, tried to read her and felt cold at how she wondered if she even  _ could _ , “You lied to me Catra. For months. Intentionally. I need to  _ think _ . I need to feel that that won’t happen  _ ever _ again. And I have two choices. First, I give you a chance, I give you what’s left of my heart. And I wait for you to stamp on it. Or I walk away. And maybe, just maybe… I can live. So, tell me, what would  _ you _ do?”

  
  


Catra’s hand dropped and she trembled. Then she drew a breath, “Before we… reconciled. I don’t know? I’d given people my trust and it backfired. I walked away, I sealed up. You helped me… not be that girl anymore. Now…. now I’d… I’d take the risk. But I’d put a high bar on it. I’d make them work.”   
  


Adora sighed and rubbed her temples, “So, a relationship based on guilt, where the other person is motivated by  _ fear _ ? Where they have to prove it? Have to strive against a barrier?”

Catra shrugged, “Isn’t that… every relationship?” her voice was soft, hopeful, “I… I messed up. That’s not a big enough  _ word _ I know. Glimmer and I we…. We overstepped and we got swept up and I thought it was… it was fun, ok? I thought it didn’t matter - and I was  _ wrong _ . But no apology will make do. So let me  _ prove i _ t. I can’t… I can’t lose you again. You say you want to hug me, I know you won’t and that  _ kills _ me. And it hurts more because I know  _ I did that _ . I put us here.”

Adora stared at her then closed her eyes, “It’s not going to be  _ easy _ Catra.”

“Would it be worth it if it was?” whispered the other girl, hoarse, hopeful.

“And…. and I don’t…”

“I will earn that trust. I  _ will _ .”

Adora stared at her and closed her eyes again, “I… I need some space, Catra. A few days. Lets see what that  _ means _ . I’m going to… go away for a bit. We’re on a break.”

Catra whimpered and braced against the chair near her, “Adora…”

“No. I  _ need _ this. You wanted this, on some level. You chased Glimmer. Maybe… maybe take the time to work  _ that _ out,” she almost spat the words, but exhaled, “I can’t… I can’t be around for that. I need to clear my head, to know if this is what  _ I  _ want now.”

Adora’s eyes were flat when she turned them on Catra. Tears trailed down her face. She waved her phone at Catra, who nodded mutely. Then Adora turned and headed for the door. She closed her eyes as it shut behind her and she caught the muffled sound of sobs from the other side. Her chest clenched, but she pushed on.

Perfuma and Scorpia stood at the end of their hallway and both turned to regard her. The bigger girl peered past her at the apartment, “How’s… well, maybe I shouldn’t….”

Adora sighed, “She’s in pain. Genuine pain. I think she knows this has gone wrong. I  _ think _ she just got carried away and… wanted to blame me. On some level. Distance, time, feeling oif inadequacy, pick a  _ fucking card _ ,” she pushed the heels of her hand sinto her eyes, “‘Fuma, can you drive me to my hotel. I need to… make some plans. I’m going away for a week or so, clear my head.”

The thin blonde nodded sadly, “Any progress at least? Angella took Glimmer home. Bow looked… less than happy.”   
  


“I don’t think that’s getting fixed easily and…. I can’t be her friend. Can’t even  _ look _ at her right now. She broke the one… thing…” Adora choked back the words and exhaled, “So, hotel?”

Perfuma led her out. Adora settled into the car and scrolled through a booking page. Cabins. Woodland. Somewhere far away. Away from work. From cities. From…. Reminders.

She wondered if the future was worth the pain.


	2. Catra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra's perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild mentions of potential abuse (Psychological) - self loathing, affairs, minor sexual references.
> 
> Yeah, we see into it here, see how it all went wrong.
> 
> Catra isn't S5 Catra. This is... S3 / S4 Catra but learning.
> 
> To note, there IS some repetition towards the end as this overlaps with the prior chapter, just with some insight from Catra, so you can see how she's thinking.
> 
> Overall... I think this works?

She had always been a  _ reactive _ sort. They type to live in the moment, to seize an opportunity,  _ any _ opportunity. It’s why she was good at her job, working in some corporate, faceless office; it was also why she’d survived being Sharon Weaver’s daughter - you learned to grab any and all opportunities for joy amidst a sea of pain and guilt and emotional abuse.

It was something Adora liked about her; a compliment to Adora’s dependability, her steadfast nature.

It was why they’d fallen out, after Adora had left to pursue her own career, why she’d flailed and raged and shot barbs at her oldest, closest friend. Someone she realised she  _ needed _ . A temper to her. Someone she didn’t want to share.

But it was also how  _ this _ had happened. How she had messed up. How she had in her hubris, forgotten the lessons she’d learned from their reconnection and torn it all down for…. What?

It had started a few months prior - Glimmer and her had found common ground after a few years of sparring. They’d met up for lunch, without their respective other halves and had hit it off - bonded. Their banter was easy. Sarcastic jibes, jokes about home life, career and so on.

A few lunches turned into a regular catchup, weekly, then near daily - the convenience of offices near to one another.

That shifted to the odd drink, with a text to let partners know they were having “girls night” - which seemed to suit Bow and Adora who just did their normal gym routine.

Slowly that patter had shifted - a new girl at Glimmer’s work, someone with a name like “Flutterella” or “Flutterinda” had been ranting about relationships, how she wasn’t appreciated. It had gotten to Glimmer. One lunch, before their drinks became  _ regular _ she’d fired the question to Catra.

“You ever feel… bored?”

Catra had arched an eyebrow, “What? Generally? I mean, my work ain’t challenging, Sparkles. But… I like it.”

“No, I mean...at home?”

“S’what netflix is for.”   
  


“With Adora, I mean.”   
  


Catra had twitched at that. She hadn’t  _ thought _ about it really. Adora had been putting more time in at work, had been tired and a bit unresponsive. Their normal enthusiastic evening activities had curbed slightly, but, well… was she bored? She just shrugged, “It’s, y’know. Life, right? ROugh ‘n the smooth?”

But it got her thinking. Their chats usually were fairly light but Glimmer raised a few  _ issues _ . How Bow was sweet, but she felt a bit overwhelmed. How it was sometimes like they were ships in the night. How, occasionally, she felt he was a bit condescending. How he spent time with others, prioritising things.

Catra had asked where this was coming from - some of the girls in her mom’s office had apparently been talking about balancing life, expectations.

But it got Catra  _ thinking _ . The more Glimmer bemoaned the lack of  _ variety _ or  _ drama _ in her life, the more Catra thought about her own. How, where once they’d been so  _ zinging _ they now felt routine. Dull. It made her skin itch. It was weird.

Glimmer wasn’t  _ angry _ just frustrated. She tried to help, advise - it wasn’t her place and  _ not _ her area, really. She asked if maybe she and Bow had talked and Glimmer waved her hands in frustration, “He should KNOW?! It’s  _ obvious _ ?”

When Adora had stumbled in one night at ten and collapsed onto the sofa, Catra had found herself irritated - the blonde hadn’t responded well at all and seemed  _ distant _ . Catra had sniped at her about her taking too much time and Adora had nodded, sleepily. Catra had curled up in their bed and pulled away when Adora had tried to cuddle.

She’d felt irritated for the next couple of weeks, then Glimmer and her had gone out for drinks. She’d gotten drunk and railed to Glimmer about it who’d leaned against her own hand and watched Catra drunkenly. They’d joked that maybe a  _ side piece _ would be funny, to just spice it up. It hadn’t meant to be serious, they’d laughed and rolled their eyes. 

Catra didn’t mention this to Adora, of course. None of her worries - Adora was the fixer, the one who  _ sorted _ stuff. She’d fixed  _ them _ before, so why wasn’t she doing it  _ now _ ? Catra found it frustrating! She’d picked a fight about some minor thing in the apartment and run her hands through her brown hair. Adora had placated her, smiled that  _ soft _ smile.

She was always  _ soft, _ Catra thought. Always there to help, always sorted and just  _ there _ . But always distracted, always mile a minute. Catra felt sidelined at times. Where was the  _ fire _ ?

But she didn’t ask, she just wanted Adora to  _ see _ . She didn’t feel noticed. Or that’s what she said to Glimmer, who just nodded sympathetically.

“We eat takeout, we have a glass of wine, we… just  _ exist _ you know? Where’s the girl who fought for me, huh? The one who kicked my doors down? I mean, we  _ talk _ but she just… sorts things. Like, she’s this busy little bee, but come on! Where’s the passion, huh? I miss that… just…” she turned her face away.

Glimmer had nodded in sympathy, “I know, right, they just… accept the normal. Just go through the motions. Like, they got us, right, what next?” They’d stumbled out of the bar that lunchtime - a  _ working lunch _ they’d jokingly called it. Catra had checked her phone to see another apology text and swore, nearly cried. Glimmer had hugged her and pressed her forehead to hers, “Hey hey! Still got me!”

Catra had been a good bottle in. She’d grinned and pecked Glimmer on the lips. They had frozen.

And Glimmer had lunged into her. They staggered against a wall, mouths wrestling, some hunger within that they hadn’t expressed or acknowledge taking over for a moment. It was only as Glimmer’s hands quested under Catra’s shirt that the brunette had pulled away with a gasp. She’d stammered an apology then vanished home.

She’d sat alone in the apartment, phone in hand, mind a whirl. Adora wasn’t home. Catra went to sleep alone and awoke to Adora nestled against her.

The spike of guilt was something she forced down. She associated guilt with  _ Sharon _ . Who’d wielded it like a knife. It was a weapon, not a guide. And she had no reason to be guilty - she’d STOPPED it. She actually glared at Adora for a moment. If the girl hadn’t been working then… then…

She’d gotten out of bed with more force, changed quickly and left for work early. Without a goodbye. She’d ignored Adora’s texts for the morning and texted Glimmer a  _ We need to talk _ .

Lunch had been tense - they’d resolved it was a stupid mistake, just… frustration. That they might need to cool off.

When Catra had gotten home to find Adora in the kitchen, worrying over pasta \tra’s heart had hardened and also melted. She was angry, for some reason. She thought it was with Adora in an ‘ _ oh now you pay attention and I just have to throw a tantrum to get it’ _ sort of way. But her rational brain couldn’t get that anger to be about Adora  _ if she was honest _ . It was her. But Adora was easier to project on. She’d managed to smile as Adora had stammered out an apology about projects or something. And how she hoped Catra’s  _ day _ was fine. And that she was  _ ok _ And that she was  _ there to talk _ .

It sort of set Catra’s teeth on edge. This girl felt so…. Different.

She expressed as much to Glimmer the next day - Their “distance” thing hadn’t worked - Catra was riled, but not sure why. Her energy levels were spiked, like when she’d lived with Sharon. A fight or flight response.

It was probably Adora - that was  _ normally _ her source of Drama. Had been back when they’d been apart, after all. With her constant, nagging attempts to reconnect. Which, yeah, had been good, but it felt  _ overwhelming _ . Or had. Hadn’t it?

Glimmer had leaned across the table and touched Catra’s hand, “Hey, she cooked dinner, right, she’s trying?” the way she said it was questioning, uncertain. Catra had looked at Glimmer’s hand and smiled.

“Suppose…”

Adora had brought work home, but she  _ was _ home. That also bothered Catra, like she was invading Adora’s space. Again that guilty feeling roiled within her. But guilt came with  _ anger _ \- Another gift from Sharon, the two emotions following one another with how she resented Sharon’s use of guilt as a weapon, to drive Catra to another mistake. She complained to Adora.

“It’s like… it takes your entire focus!”

“I need to  _ work _ Catra? I don’t complain about your late night calls! I just… I’m trying to keep afloat here. Keep the rent paid, y’know?”

“And I’m  _ not _ ? I work just as hard as you!”

“I know! But… why is this an issue, Catra? Talk to me, please, you’ve… you’ve been so  _ angry? What did I do?” _

The guilt had pierced her again, but it was if Sharon had said it. She’d sighed and rolled her shoulders, “If you have to ask, Adora…”

It hadn’t meant anything. It’d been a defensive barb. And yet again she’d felt a pang as Adora had run a hand through her blond hair, ponytail taught. It was like they were back to  _ before. _ Adora had huffed and then closed her laptop and sat on the couch, “Catra, please.”

She’d pushed the guilt away and grabbed at her coat, not wanting to look at Adora, “I need to go out. Promised I’d meet some work friends.”

Adora had flung her hands up, “So  _ why _ is me working an issue if you won’t  _ be  _ here? I thought we had plans for later?”

They had, Catra remembered. Movie night. She’d forgotten.

A sick feeling in her stomach. She didn’t answer and pushed her way out of the door, then texted Glimmer,  _ Need a fucking drrriiiiiiinkkkk _ .

They’d met up somewhere in downtown. They’d kissed again and Catra didn’t stop her hands as they groped this time. They didn’t get  _ that _ far before her nausea kicked in and they’d broken apart, then made timid farewells. At home she’d found the lights off and a mild moment of panic had spiked at her. But she’d found Adora on the sofa, a couple of empty glasses out. TV set on the film select screen.

Catra had gone to the bathroom and cried.

That weekend she and Adora hadn’t left the bedroom as Catra tried to drown the voices, the sneering voice of an old ghost that mocked her as she tried to kiss the taste on her lips away with Adora. Make it  _ better _ again.

And she had, until the Tuesday when Glimmer and her had had a sneaky makeout session after lunch, then guiltily parted. A text of  _ No more _ .  _ We can’t. It’s wrong. _

Until the Thursday of Mermista’s company bash. Adora had said she wasn’t sure she could make it. Bow had to go visit his brother out of town. Glimmer invited Catra. And Catra had turned up in her nice suit. She wasn’t sure why.

Glimmer looked stunning in a ballgown. They’d laughed, pretended it was nothing, that they were just  _ flirting. _ Friends flirted, right? Until Glimmer slipped to the toilets and Catra had followed.

Their eyes had met and it was like  _ this is what was missing _ . They attacked each other in a stall. But Catra wouldn’t let Glimmer touch her, something,  _ some sense _ stopped her. She had Glimmer’s dress up and her fingers danced, puppeting Glimmer to a shrieking orgasm that Catra masked with her mouth.

The sound of a door had made them freeze and they’d broken apart, bashful, giggling.

They’d snuck out hands held, back to the floor. And then Catra had seen Adora, standing with Mermista.

She looked…  _ tired _ . But also stunning, in a red dress. She was laughing, but Catra knew,  _ knew _ from years of experience, that Adora was on her last legs.

That knife slipped into her gut and her hand dropped from Glimmer’s. The purple haired girl had followed Catra’s gaze and huffed. But she didn’t make a scene. Catra had wiped her hand on the back of her suit and approached and Adora had given her a nervy, beaming smile, “I… I knew this was important and  _ I am so sorry _ I couldn’t get her sooner… I wanted to surprise you, I…. I know I’ve not….”

Catra had bit back tears, frustration welled in her gut. She’d smiled and hugged. And guiltily kissed Adora’s neck. And yet she felt miles apart from the girl.  _ Not soon enough _ she thought. Because if Adora had just turned up Catra wouldn’t have been… wouldn’t have. She glanced over Adora’s shoulder at Glimmer who had arched an eyebrow and licked her lips. It sent Catra’s pulse spiking but also her stomach sinking. She wanted to shake Adora with an  _ Why didn’t you stop me _ . It felt hollow in her head, but she held onto it. She had to. ANd part of her was angry because she’d been having  _ fun _ . But she bit it back and they’d survived the night, Adora fussing and swaying as her clear exhaustion, but determination to be there, with Catra batted away at Catra’s preconceptions and flimsy justifications.

\-----

She rationalised it out, as she’d done with Weaver - she managed  _ everything _ in her head. Adora just… dealt with Catra’s outbursts, managed her temper. And, well, Adora and her were having great sex at least! It was like, Glimmer had helped unlock that? And, well, the payoff was fine. It wasn’t serious. It was flirting and…. Maybe a line had been crossed, but Catra had just gotten lost in the moment.

And Adora would… if Adora found out…

That train of thought Catra always circumvented with an:  _ she’d deal with it, she knows me _ . As well as  _ That’s a problem for future Glimmer and Catra to deal with. _

Glimmer was… a magnet. But Catra didn’t know why. They’d touched, explored each other - breaks at work, stolen kisses in the morning as they passed into the office. It felt  _ exciting _ . Forbidden. Something Catra could chase. Something decadent. The guilt even had a weird, twisted satisfaction to it, balancing the gut wrenching excitement.

She told herself she felt  _ fine _ . That Glimmer sliding her hands across her breasts made her gasp and that she didn’t think of ocean blue eyes every damn time.

Until she’d thrown up in the office at work, of course. She’d been about to go meet Glimmer for lunch and then had a text from Adora, a picture of the girl, smiling, in their apartment, selfie style, cooking,  _ Miss you. Doing TACOS! Pray for the oven! _

The anger had been there but she couldn’t quite direct it at Adora - Adora had… what? Interrupted her?

_ You’ll break it. You destroy everything you touch, Catra. Even without trying. _

_ You don’t deserve her. _

She’d gone to lunch but Glimmer had noticed she was distant. Catra had let the purple haired girl hold her hand, but it felt off. So she gripped her hand back, willing it to mean something.

This had to be worth something, right? She wouldn’t have done it, if not? And they weren’t  _ hurting _ anyone?

Not like she was texting Adora with pictures, right?

Adora was…. Was fine. And so  _ busy _ . So  _ occupied _ with work, she wouldn’t notice anyway. Hadn’t noticed! What kind of girlfriend  _ didn’t notice _ ? Wasn’t Catra owed some affection?

The words bounced in her skull. Adora hadn’t been there, she’d been busy, she was at the gym… she… she… she.

It rang hollow. But Catra clamped on it because otherwise. Otherwise.

She kissed Glimmer hard after lunch, hungrily. She cried as the girl had touched her behind the trees in the communal park near their offices. But she hadn’t reached her peak, hadn’t been able to. She faked it. Quickly.

She’d gone home and dragged Adora into the shower. She washed it off, the shame, the sense, the anger. Adora had been giddy, happy and tried to talk, but Catra had shushed her with a rough kiss, then slid down on her and let the water hide her tears as above her, leg slung over Catra’s shoulder, Adora spoke her name like a prayer.

Catra didn’t know what to think. She hadn’t done  _ this _ with Glimmer and the thought brought up two competing images - one of shame, one of idle intrigue. What noises would Glimmer make? She’d seen her face with…

And the knife was there again.

\-----

Catra had managed to keep her distance, but Glimmer was texting with more familiarity, ignoring their “This is just a one off, just stress relief, just filling the gaps” agreement. More intense messages -  _ I miss you. I want to taste you. I want to see those eyes flutter _ .

Catra deleted the messages after she responded. Adora had asked her if she was sick, how much she was shaking and Catra had snapped at her to just… back off. And then kissed an apology to her. Because she’d never actually  _ say _ sorry. Adora knew. She always  _ knew _ Catra was sorry. Always.

\---------

After a few more stolen kisses, Catra had finally reached her limit. She’d taken a holiday day - she knew Adora’d be working late. She needed to cut this dead. So, of course, she brought out wine, to ease the conversation.

Glimmer had turned up in a short skirt, blouse and long coat. She’d peered past Catra and then, satisfied Adora wasn’t there and flung herself around her neck, “The whole place? What  _ have _ you got planned? Didn’t figure we’d… get this far so fast?”

“Uh,,, wait,.. Sparkles, wait… please.”

Glimmer’s eyes were blown but she backed away, then spotted the wine, “Is this… like a  _ proper _ date? Are… are…” she smiled happily and skipped to open the bottle, Catra followed, unsure. Glimmer was  _ cute _ but… now she was here, surrounded by pictures of Adora. In  _ their _ space.

It was electrifiying.

It was  _ wrong _ .

It sickened her and, with that weird twist, made her want to defy that sense of it being  _ wrong _ . Sharon had made her think things were wrong and she’d always  _ always _ pushed back.

And, well, this was the last time. So if something happened, it was… it was just the last time.

Her gut wasn’t happy but she tried to quieten it. Wine would help. They’d talk it out, kiss and then Glimmer would see this was madness, that… it was not long term.

The sparkle-haired girl led her to the couch and clinked her glass, then winked, “The future, babe.”

Catra had swallowed and stared into those eyes. Not just full of lust, but something else. Catra knew she was in deep. And she knew she didn’t know where this was going and the thought panicked her. Because was this what she  _ wanted _ ?

Long term? Right now?

She sank her glass and poured another one, “Glim… we… I… this si wrong.”

Glimmer huffed, “Bit late Catra. You’ve what, rawed me three times?”

“Only ONCE, Glim. the rest… the rest doesn’t count,” she thought they didn’t count. They hadn’t been  _ naked _ it was… opportunity. Over the clothes. Groping.”

“Psh, tell that to my post orgasm face. Which you could do,” Glimmer leaned forwards but Catra pushed her back, her self control suddenly in place for the first time in  _ months _ . The picture of Adora, nearby, beaming as she hefted some trophy. Another one, of her draped over Catra’s shoulders at a party. Another, the pair of them, foreheads together, some cunning photographer in their friendgroup having caught them on a dancefloor. Glimmer's wedding?

She stuttered and Glimmer cupped her face, “Hey, hey. Look… I… I’m glad you brought me over,” she set her glass down. The afternoon was creeping along and Catra felt drawn to that face, listening as Glimmer put her hands in her lap, “You’re right. This… isn’t fair.”   
  


Catra nodded, relief flooding her veins, “Yeah, cos… I mean it’s  _ great _ ,” Glimmer quirked a grin, “But… if they found out and…”

Glimmer shrugged, “I’m… I’m going to leave Bow.”

Catra reared back and blinked, “Uh… what?”

“And Adora will be fine. She’s tough. She’ll get  _ over _ it. She’s dealt with things like this before. Yes, it’ll hurt, yes it’ll be  _ unfair _ . But this…” she gestured between them, “It feels  _ right _ to me. Feels real.”

Glimmer’s gaze was intense. On any other day, Catra would have added  _ manic _ . She exhaled slowly, “Glim… I… I don’t…” she squeezed her eyes shut, “I mean, yeah, it’s been  _ dull _ here,” had it though? “And it’s… it’s helped, so much,”  _ had it though? _ “And I like you and…”

Glimmer’s hands gripped hers, “See, that’s all we need. How much have we really  _ talked _ to them? I mean, yeah… but I’ve felt so connected to you Catra. In a way I didn’t think we’d ever be! We…. we should see where this  _ goes _ . Not sneaking around. Not… not…” she sighed, “Not  _ hurting _ them. I guess. I’ve felt  _ alive _ Catra!”

_ Leave Adora. _

The words sank into her like a bowling ball. Adora had left her, hadn’t she? With Weaver, all those years ago?

_ No. She didn’t _ \- her rational mind was saying. But the selfish, spiteful ball that still lived in her chest lashed out at that.

And hit the memory of the past few weeks - Adora’s tired eyes, her hopeful smile. Her  _ helping _ even when Catra had been… cruel.

Cruel.

That was the word. Spiteful. Cruel.  _ Mean. _

Tears ran down her face but Glimmer seemed to misinterpret them, “I know… It’s… it’s a big decision. But it is the  _ right _ one. Hey….”

Catra tried to push her away but she felt weak. Glimmer held her and hushed her gently. Catra felt adrift, uncertain. Maybe this was for the best? She had violated Adora’s trust, after all? She had been sneaking around?

She had proven Sharon  _ right _ .

And… this way Adora didn’t have to deal with her? And she could still maybe have her own happy? In a way? Win win, right?

It didn’t work, logically, but she knew she was spiralling, on some level. She hadn’t had one of these episodes for a while. Adora always  _ managed _ her. Helped her through them. Or had done. Until  _ work _ got in the way. Or Gym. Or… or…

Glimmer?

She focused on the girl and just needed that closeness. She pushed the girl back, roughly, her mind a mess of conflicting guilt, anger and loathing. Catra straddled the girl and smirked, weakly, “One for the road….”

The words came. It was the last time, she promised. Then she’d leave. Then she’d decide. Then maybe Glimmer? Then maybe something else. Then maybe… maybe…

Glimmer slid her hands up Catra’s sides. One slipped to her pants and unbuttoned them. The other slid up to under her shirt. Glimmer smiled up at her, eyes filled with lust and something like adoration. Or desperation? A plea?

_ Please be the right idea _ \- the thought flashed in Catra’s won mind. Was this desperate certainty? Committing because if they didn’t… then what?

The purple haired girl murmured “Bed?” breathily. And a voice rattled in Catra’s mind.

_ Well, if you’re going to absolutely destroy this, why not go all the way, hmmm, Catra? _

A snide voice from the past. A voice of mockery that had haunted her, undermined her confidence, made her spiky and withdrawn, aggressive. She pulled back, ready to deliver a sudden rebuke as the fog of her mind began to clear.

And then the door clicked.

They both froze. Time slowed as their eyes tracked to the door.

Adora.

Flowers falling.

Wine bottle rolling. On the floor.

Catra’s world exploded in her head.  _ Everything hit _ at once. All her usual cocky defensiveness, her normal deflecting words, her accusations and sneers that she’d deploy fell flat on her lips.

When faced with that  _ look _ on Adora’s face.

A look she’d seen a  _ fraction _ of years ago as she spat invective over her  _ leaving _ Catra.

Her eyes saw the  _ flowers _ . The  _ wine _ . The fact she was  _ early _ . And the lie of her internal monologue punched her square in the gut. The excuses, the wheedle words of that thin, frail voice she used to excuse her bad behaviours with Weaver… which were justified because it was fucking  _ Weaver _ . She’d used it to dance around Adora.

She wasn’t sure she could’ve made this any worse if she’d set the whole apartment on fire.

Adora said nothing, she just moved. Catra flinched and then saw her just stride past the couch, movement stiff, stilted, the blonde’s jaw set in a way Catra had  _ never seen _ . She lurched away from Glimmer, stumbling as her unbuttoned pants nearly fell, then pulled them up. Shame slammed into her in waves that nearly made her double over.

“Adora… wait. Please.. Adora I …. I can explain, it was… we were…”

The blonde didn’t speak. She just walked. Into the bedroom. A suitcase was yanked from the closet and Catra saw Adora pulling clothing from racks and shelves. Adora’s clothes. Which meant Adora was going. She was  _ leaving _ . Again.

_ Well, not exactly surprising, is it child. Can’t blame her this time, can you? What, trying the ‘I’m not enough’ line? Hard to play it when you had another girl’s tongue down your throat, hmmm? _

She reached out and grasped Adora’s shoulders, then stumbled back as Adora practically  _ snarled _ at her. She still hadn’t spoken. Her shoulders were set, her body hunched in a way that would normally make her look meek, but now made her look ready to jump forward to strike.

Then those blue eyes tracked over past Catra. She glanced over her shoulder at Glimmer. Her voice just sounded so  _ wrong _ when she spoke.

“Get out.”

Not a shout but its sibilant cadence sent a shiver through Catra, better than any shout or curse. She heard Glimmer take a step, could sense words forming. Adora spoke again, her voice bordering on a scream.

“Get the  _ fuck _ out!”

Catra moved instinctively, a move to defuse the argument, to step between the two best friends. But her logical mind, the bit that was now angry at her for  _ never fucking listening to sense _ , informed her how that might LOOK to a certain angry blonde.

That she was protecting Glimmer.

_ Fuck. _

Adora’s gaze hit her like a searchlight and her face twisted in a smirk. It was not a nice expression. It held pain, surprise and  _ grief _ . Catra stepped forwards, desperate to take that pain, make it go away, cursing herself as the shames roiled in her gut.

_ I knew it. I knew I’d fuck it up. I knew it. I did. I did it. _

_ And I made it her fault! How? HOW? _

She rambled, “Adora, please. Just… stop. We can talk, I promise. We can… I can explain, we can go over this, I can just… talk to me, please. Say something. Please, just… please.”

She tried to reach out, but every movement brought a flinch from the blonde. Then the girl slammed the suitcase closed, zipped it and barged past Catra. The blonde’s larger frame knocked her and she was forced to stumble after her. Catra staggered out and lunged, desperately. She clutched at Adora’s wrist and was dragged to the floor, where she sprawled.

“Please… please Adora. Talk to me…  _ stay _ .”

The suitcase thunked to the floor and Adora leaned over Catra. Catra stared up into blue eyes that once held such care and  _ love _ . And now they were nearly grey. Flat. Adora’s words creaked in her throat, “ _ No. _ Not again. Not after….  _ No.” _

She was talking, at least. Catra could use that… well, not use it, but maybe, maybe she could try to… what? Buy time? Think up some  _ amazing _ excuse? She shrank under that gaze and knew that even if she really  _ really _ wanted to… she couldn’t lie.

And she didn’t want to. Her world was burning in front of her.

She still held on, hoping the contact would ground things, “It… it was a mistake. It….”

Adora pulled her hand free, “Words. Just  _ words _ Catra. And if I hadn’t walked in  _ just then _ ? If i’d come home, normally… how’d that have been? How many times…?”

Catra swallowed, “We uh… we haven’t…”

“How. Many?”

Heterochromatic eyes locked onto icy blue and the brunette trembled. Her sense of time blurred as she tried to recount, but her mind was spinning, in her panicking freefall. She got it wrong. She didn’t mean to. Her gut twisted as she spoke, knowing as soon as the words were out that this would be analysed, recorded, measured. Adora  _ remembered _ stuff, “We… we kissed. A month ago. And….”   
  


The sob that broke through Adora’s throat sent Catra’s forehead to the floor. She curled up at the sound and heard the sound of thudding feet as her girlfriend… ex-girlfriend? As Adora fled.

She hammered her fists into the floor, willed the world to just  _ stop _ . To let her regain her composure. She felt chained there as her heart hammered and the physical force of her guilt made her hunch over. And then she vomited. She scrambled but felt suddenly weak, her tears flowed and she heaved again.

More footsteps and she looked up. Glimmer stood in the door, a shocked expression on her face, “Catra…”

Her vision went red, “You….” Glimmer stepped towards her.

“I’ll get a towel, oh god.. I mean… this is…” she bustled past and Catra whimpered again, nails against wood floor as she struggled up. She was shaking and her frame was wracked with sobs. She felt Glimmer’s hand on her shoulder and shrugged it away roughly, “Catra, let me help.. This.. this wasn’t great but,maybe this is for the best. It’s out, it’s… well, we can manage. We can…”

“ _ We?” _ hissed Catra as she glared up at the purple haired girl, “There is no  _ we _ Sparkles? I…”

Glimmer blinked and crouched down, “Catra, this… we’ve done it. We’re  _ here _ . I know, you’re scared. This is painful. But… I’m here. And we  _ have _ to make this work,” there was an edge to her voice. A guilt there that Catra recognised mirrored her own. It was hidden under that bright, determined exterior. She narrowed her eyes.

“You know she’ll text Bow, right?” her words hissed between her teeth, “You ready for  _ that _ ?”

Glimmer blinked and sudden realisation kicked her in the teeth as she blinked. She stood up paced. And then her phone  _ rang _ . She shrieked and dropped it, where it clattered on the floor. Catra snarled, “Guess it’s for you, huh?”

She looked at the door and her mind cleared.  _ Adora was out there. Adora was in pain. Catra had to fix this. _

Could she fix this? Her gut drove her to action. She ignored Glimmer and sprinted out of the apartment. She took the stairs three at a time. She smashed out through the front door and looked frantically about. Empty roads, no cars, they didn’t  _ have _ a car, no ubers easy to get round here? BUS!

She ran for the bus stop and wailed as she saw it pull away. She caught a glimpse of a blonde head, slumped against the window. She chased it down the street, lungs complaining, heart pounding, until it sped across an intersection and she wheezed to a halt. She hadn’t even managed to recall the  _ number _ on it.

Phone. Call her. Message?

Back in the apartment.

She ran back, mind buzzing her head feverish. Glimmer was still in there, pacing. Her phone rang again, which she ignored and then began texting. Her face was drawn and she looked up at Catra, “We… we have to manage this. It’s… it could. We can manage this Catra. We can  _ do _ this.”   
  


Catra ignored her and grabbed her own phone. She typed furiously. Again and again. She tried to call but got nothing. Then she dropped the phone and cast about the apartment - any clues to where Adora might go? No family? Couldn’t go to Bow and Glimmer’s… Scorpia? Maybe?

Her gaze fell on the wine glasses she and Glimmer had been drinking from and guilt seared into rage again. She swept them up and was walking towards the sink when Glimmer spoke again. Catra didn’t hear the words, she just spun and flung a glass at the girl. Followed by the second. She shrieked at her, “She said  _ get out _ !”

Glimmer stared, then bolted. Catra groaned and leaned against the counter top and saw the flowers and the fallen bottle. She bent and, with trembling hands, scooped them up, then laid them atop the kitchen isle. Tears streamed again, “I’m  _ sorry _ Adora.. I… I’m sorry… I fucked up. SO… Fucking. Bad.”

Mechanically she grappled for the fallen towel and cleared up her mess, then moved to her phone. No responses. She typed more, tried to compose her roiling gut into words, but it just came out as a jumble.

_ Excuses Catra, you knew what you were doing, foolish child. Always did. Never cared about the consequences _ .

Her dull gaze fell onto the sofa and she snarled. Catra moved like a demon and she practically tore the covers off. Scissors came out of the drawer and she savaged them, willing to remove even the barest  _ evidence _ , the mere presence of  _ Glimmer _ from this place. Then the pictures. Every picture of the purple haired girl came down and Catra tore them apart.

Her fault. All her fault.

Ideas about being  _ dissatisfied _ ? About being uncertain? About lunch drinks and stolen moments and…

_ Well she hardly forced herself on you, did she child? _

She picked her phone up and fired more messages, tried calling. Then she switched over, tried Lonnie.

“ _ Catra? Hey, long time…” _

“Is Adora there? Please tell me she’s there. Put her on… please.”

“ _ Woa… woa.. Slow down, what happened?” _

“Adora’s gone she’s gone and I don’t know where and….”   
  


_ “Ok, Kyle… KYLE get your scrawny biteable ass over to Catras. Roj, you too. Catra, I’ll talk to Scorpia, you sit tight ok? We need the police?” _

“No… no… just… I…” Catra slid down the wall near the door. Lonnie’s words blurred into one. She didn’t know how long went by but Kyle and Rogelio arrived. They surveyed the apartment, helped Catra to her feet. And then Catra rambled and… told them.

Kyle had locked up immediately. He was a mild sort but… he had some very exacting views. Catra watched the pair just  _ leave _ with a curt promise to check in with Scorpia. Rogelio had shot her a neutral gaze that hit her in the gut. Kyle’s look of abject  _ disappointment _ was actually worse.

She’d called Scorpia and wailed down the phone, begged her to find Adora, to bring her back, that it had all gone wrong. She didn’t elaborate - mainly because she’d spiralled again and was rocking against the counter now. Scorpia sounded furious, at Adora it seemed. She tried to say that it wasn’t Adora’s fault but couldn’t  _ quite _ summon the courage.

Scorpia had promised to call back, and Catra had then phoned  _ Mermista _ . The girl had picked up on the second ring.

“ _ Oh. You.” _ _   
  
_

Catra’s heart sank, “Uh.. is… iss….”

“ _ No. And if she was, Catra, I don’t know if I’d talk to you. We’re at Bow’s.” _ _   
  
_

She clutched the phone, “Oh uh….”

“ _ So, when’s the fucking  _ wedding _ Catra?”  _ Mermista’s drawl had an edge to it, “ _ Bad enough last time. When Adora was trying to make it all cool. But nope. Guess you had to top the shitty olympics, right?” _

“I… I didn’t.”   
  


_ “Save it for someone who cares. _ ”

The phone clicked off. She stared at her contacts and on a completely mad impulse dialled  _ Bow _ . He picked up immediately but said nothing. She could hear his breathing.

“B.. Bow….” No sound, just the rustle of a phone being moved around. She closed her eyes, “Bow it… it was stupid. It wasn’t meant to… we…”

“ _ Catra,” _ his voice was calm. Not quite as bad as Adora’s, “ _ I’ve always… tried I wanted to see you and Adora work out. I was… so happy for her. And now. I…” _

She slumped, her head on her knees. Her voice was a whisper, “I know. Is she… is she there? Please, I just.. I need to talk to her. I need to  _ fix _ this. Please tell me I can fix this.”

_ “No. I don’t think you can. She’s not here. We don’t know where she is,”  _ his voice was harsh, clipped, “ _ Now, I think you best… I don’t know Catra. I just… don’t know.” _

The line went dead. Of all the friends, she and Bow had always… gotten along. And now she realised she’d barely given him a second thought during the whole…. Affair.

Because that’s what it  _ was _ .

Her gut clenched and she felt like she wanted the ground to just bury her. She wanted -  _ wished - _ she was the absolute, heartless, carefree bitch she acted out as. If she was, she could move on. She could just walk away.

But instead her mind replayed that moment, that precise moment she saw Adora implode and  _ change _ .

Her mind still reeled - Adora had been  _ away _ , right? She hadn’t paid attention? She’d needed that closeness and…

The lies clattered meaninglessly into the forefront of her brain. She sobbed and screamed and punched the counter until she felt her knuckles bruise. She felt arms around her at some point, heard a familiar voice - she had clearly cried herself to sleep, slumped in the kitchen, “Ador...a?”

Maybe this was a terrible dream? She could clutch at her girlfriend, pepper her with kisses and promise to never ever hurt her, ever.

“Hey Wildcat… hey…” the voice was tense and she opened her eyes. Scorpia sat next to her against the counter. Her big arms were around Catra, but this wasn’t the normal hug Scorpia gave. It felt…. Distant.

She looked at the platinum haired girl and met her eyes. Her heart sank, “You know,” whispered Catra.

Scorpia winced and looked away, “Why Catra? I mean… I always… I LIKE Adora. Took me a while and… why?”

Catra shrunk and hunched up, “I… I don’t  _ know _ ? It just… happened?”

Scorpia clicked her tongue, “Yeah, that… that seems unlikely. You didn’t trip, right? This strikes me as a series of fairly well thought out events.”

“We got drunk and… just didn’t stop, Ok?” snapped Catra, then winced.

“No Wildcat. Not ok,” the admonishment came as a shock, “I was all ready to go, y’know, hardass at Adora. I was about to go to bat  _ for you _ . And… this Catra this is…”

It was like that time Catra had played Scorpia. In the bad old days. When there’d been ALMOST something between them, which she’d destroyed as well. Catra whimpered, “I… I know…”

“Listen, I’m here but… jee whizz Catra this is not great. Not great at all.”

“Is… is Perfuma….?”

“Downstairs. She;’s co-ordinating with Bow. Still no idea where Adora’s gone.”

“Glimmer?”

Scorpia stiffened, “Oh, so you care where she is, huh?”

Catra shook her head rapidly, “N...no.”   
  


The bigger woman narrowed her lips into a line, “Fine, right. She’s with her mom, apparently.”

Catra squeezed her eyes shut. She’d made the wrong call again. Did she care about Glimmer? Or was she avoiding the idea that Adora was  _ gone _ . So gone  _ no one knew where she was _ ? The stab of pain at that thought gave her her answer, “I need to find her. I need…”

She stood abruptly and before Scorpia could stop her, she dashed out the door. She had a brief view of Perfuma on the phone, but she rushed past. She ran. And ran. She had no idea where she was going. Her mind flitted through their old hotspots - the park, the museums, the restaurants. The quiet places they tangled hands and watched the world.

Would she go to those? Or were the memories now just ash? They burned bright for Catra still, reminders of what she had taken a hammer to, unthinkingly. She still wasn’t quite at the level of admitting her selfishness, but she was close.

She found herself a good mile from home, around downtown. Hotels. She’d have gone to a hotel, right? But which one? There were so many. The night (and it was night - time had flown in her manic state) blurred as she barged into lobbies and screamed for Adora. She was dragged away from a few by faceless men in suits. She staggered through town, crying til she was hoarse. People stared, shocked as she barreled into Hotels, desperate, wide eyed, terrified.

She was headed to the tenth hotel on her mental list before hands grabbed her and she found Scorpia staring into her face with worry, “Catra. You need to STOP. Now. Please… PLEASE.”

Catra whined and hammered hands against Scorpia’s chest, “I need to fix this. I need to  _ fix this _ .”

“Why?” Perfuma was there. How had they found her? She saw there was a crowd nearby, saw Scorpia’s truck and sagged. She probably wasn’t  _ hard _ to find. She looked at the willowy blonde.

“Huh?”

“Why do you need to fix it?”

“Because… because I broke it?”

“Didn’t you  _ want _ to break it?” asked Perfuma. Her voice was pleasant, soft, encouraging.

Catra opened her mouth and croaked. She tried for words. Had she wanted to? She’d wanted  _ something _ ? She wanted  _ something _ to break. But… why? “I didn’t want to lose her….” she finally managed.

“Hmm,” mused Perfuma. She peered at Catra and rubbed her temple, “You never did take up that therapist, did you?”

“I… I didn’t need to!” pushed Catra. She glared at the girl, weakly, “What’s that got to… I’ve got to find Adora.”

“She doesn’t want to be found. And, really… what can you  _ do _ Catra? After today? Give her space and… we’ll try to set something up.”

Catra stared at her and sagged in Scorpia’s grip, “Why are you helping… me?”   
  


Perfuma cocked her head and swallowed, “I’m not helping you, Catra. I’m helping Adora,” Catra’s head rolled up and she stared at the blonde, who continued, “Frankly I’m… I’m really angry with you Catra. And disappointed. You hurt one of the kindest, giving person I know. And I don’t know  _ why _ . I’m angry with Glimmer. I’m… I’m  _ disappointed _ .”

Catra looked at Scorpia, who just averted her eyes, “I’m… sorry,” whispered Catra. It was becoming a bit of a mantra, but the words felt insignificant, really.

“I can see you are. But I think we need to see  _ why _ you’re sorry, Catra. Let’s…. Let’s take you home…”   
  


The car journey was silent. The walk up the stairs was silent. The apartment was silent.

It felt like a shell now. Catra stumbled through it to their bedroom. She flinched away from the bed and looked to the wardrobe. She made it across the room and trailed her fingers across Adora’s clothes. Then she gathered her arms around them and hauled them out where they flopped the floor.

She felt delirious, lost. She buried her face in the clothes - dresses, shirts, tops. SHe wrapped herself in them, clutched at the cloth. Tried to press herself into it. As if the act would conjour the girl from sheer force of will. She fumbled her phone and dialled again. No answer - she left a whimpering voice mail, an echo of garbled pleading and apologies.

She awoke with a start and scrabbled for a body that wasn’t there. The keening noise she made summoned stumbling feet and Scorpia leaned into the room.

“Oh… Wildcat,” there was grief in that voice too.

She spent the day huddled in the apartment, one of Adora’s hoodies wrapped around her. Glimmer had texted, tried to call. Catra ignored her. Even the name made her fume. The shame didn’t  _ help _ .

The hours flopped by, sluggish, listless. She tried to think, tried to process. Tried to  _ understand _ . Perfuma arrived and sent Scorpia away for food. She sat on the bare sofa cushions and regarded Catra.

“Do you love her?” Catra stared at the girl and frowned, then nodded, “Which one?” added Perfuma.

Catra stared and frowned. Her jaw worked and she managed, “Adora.”

“You paused. You sure there’s… nothing else?”

She closed her eyes and whimpered, “I… I made a mistake.”   
  


“Maybe. But you need to know, Catra.Glimmer’s been… vocal. She is a bit  _ focused _ . I think.. I think she thinks that this has to mean something. If it doesn’t, she’s just burnt all her bridges.”   
  


Catra hunched over, “Not… not…”

“Yes it is your fault,” Perfuma’s voice was harsh, “Both of yours. I’m trying to get Adora to talk to you,” Catra sat up.

“Where is she?”   
  


“She won’t  _ say _ . But.. we’re getting there. You need to explain, Catra. She needs to know what you want. And, if IF this is going to survive. You need to show  _ something _ . Honestly, I don’t know how you walk back from this.”   
  


“I have to I… I need to fix this.”   
  


“For WHO Catra? For Adora? OR for  _ you _ ?”

Catra cringed and sank down on the couch. She couldn’t meet Perfuma’g gaze, but managed a hoarse whisper, “Me…. I need her, Perfuma. I… I had her and I just… lost sight. I need her. I can’t function I can’t….”

“Is that fair on her?” Catra stared at the blonde, confused, “I mean, you didn’t take the therapy. I’ve seen you two in public. She’s your rock, right?”

Catra nodded, “Yeah, um, she… she helps me. She gets me.”

“And what… she slowly started just being this person you offloaded your issues on? She became… routine?”

The brunette blinked her mismatched eyes slowly, “Uhm… that, no, of course not… well…”

“Transferance. She was just… a thing at home. You got  _ used _ to it. You don’t like relying on things, Catra. I know that much from talking to Scorpia. I know what happened there. You lash out. You hate being vulnerable. And Adora was fine because she was exciting… but as soon as this became  _ normal _ ? You got worse, right? And she moved from being this… thing to win, this goal. And she wasn’t a sexual thing anymore?” Perfuma leaned forwards, “How close am I?”

Catra stared at the girl, locked in the gaze of a freckled terror, “That’s… that’s not.”   
  


“You got bored, right? Adora just makes things better but… it’s not enough? She solves your problems, she’s your counsellor. But that’s boring, right? So, Glimmer’s now exciting, an outlet and,..”

Catra lurched forwards, “Shut up! Shut UP! Please… please,” she clutched her head and trembled, “Alright! YES! I… I screwed up, I fixated I.. Adora is everything. She is EVERYTHING. And I just  _ lost _ her. I can’t do this without her.”

“You may have to learn how to,” Catra shuddered at that. She probably  _ could _ but the prospect made her so ill. Perfuma continued gently, “It wasn’t fair, Catra. You just dumped all that… emotional detritus on her and then you resent her? No one can be a persons EVERYTHING without something breaking.”

“So, what? What should I do?”

Perfuma gave her a sad smile, “Maybe don’t use Adora as your therapist? Don’t expect her to be your venting board and then expect her to also handle everything else. She ceased being, in your eyes, someone romantic and became… something else. Something you could get angry at.”

“I didn’t!” but it came out weak and Catra knew it. She leaned her head back, “Ok… that’s what I did wrong. What do I do to make it  _ right _ .”

“That’s down to Adora now.”   
  


Catra closed her eyes and shuddered. Which meant she was likely not getting a good ending here.

Perfuma sat with her and calmly laid out some home truths - the woman was  _ perceptive _ . Terrifyingly so. She broke down her fixation, that whole  _ transference _ thing. She asked Catra about her feelings and Catra, too exhausted to argue, spilled. How she didn’t, when it came down to it, see Glimmer as anything beyond a  _ fuck _ . The thought of anything else gave her literal panic attacks. Minor ones at least.

Which, it seemed, she’d confused for excited arousal.

Because it was excitement, difference,  _ newness _ . And now the light was on them? It was worthless.

Perfuma nodded, “Well, that’s that then. Get some more sleep Catra. We’ll… see.”

She dozed fitfully, ate sparsely from the pantry, but stayed in the apartment. She curled up, again, in the nest of Adora’s clothes and prayed for the nightmare to end. 

\-----

The following day came far too soon after a nightmare of Adora boarding a plane. Gone. Forever. A single phrase, “ _ I never want to see you again,” _ from her lips.

Scorpia and Perfuma had left the previous evening and she moved around the apartment in a daze. Every photo felt like an accusation. Every item on a shelf a shot to her broken, damaged heart.

Surrounded by the shrapnel and detritus of her crimes, she didn’t know where to turn.

Scorpia’s arrival galvanised her briefly, the strange set of the woman’s face giving Catra a hint, “She’s… she’s here?”

Scorpia nodded slowly, “She’s picking up her stuff, Catra.”

The room spun, “No… No no no. Please no.” Catra pushed past Scorpia and ran downstairs. She got to the street but strong arms grappled her.

“Catra, CATRA… no… no, you don’t want to.. Seriously. You didn’t see her. It’ll… it’ll hurt too much.”   
  


Catra flopped in the grip of her friend. She stared at a distant figure. She seemed small next to the recognisable figure of Perfuma, which was weird. Her heart cracked. Her voice failed her as she tried to call out. Scorpia carried her to the steps of an apartment nearby and sat her down. They waited in silence and Catra made out the other two enter the apartment. She rocked back and forward and shook her head, then stared at Scorpia.

“I fucked up, Scorp. I… I don’t… I can’t do this. I don’t want to hurt.. I… don’t want her to hurt,” she clutched the sides of her head, “How… how’d we fix it?”

Scorpia gave her a sad smile, “I moved on. You didn’t care?”

Catra hung her head, “Shit. I’m a shit. I break everything. I knew… I knew I’d do this.. I KNEW it,” she stamped a foot and whimpered, “And if I fix it? I’m not good enough! I… I want her but I hurt her and… maybe I should go, maybe I need… I need to go… I need to go now.”

She tried to stand but Scorpia pushed her back down, “Nope. Wildcat, I’m sorry… but you don’t get to run out on this. You  _ own _ this, alright? You’re awesome and strong… in ways you don’t know. And yes, you’ve done a Really REALLY bad thing… but.. Maybe… maybe something good can come of this?”   
  


“You don’t believe that.”

“I have to. Something good came out of us. We rebuilt. Maybe… maybe you can be friends.”

Catra hunched, “I don’t want to be friends,” her eyes watered, “I just want her.”

“Is that fair on her?”

“Then let me  _ leave _ .”

“Nope. You need to close this.  _ For _ her if need be. Then you can… rebuild.”

Footsteps sounded and they looked up at Perfuma who approached slowly. She eyed Catra, “She wants to talk.”

For the first time in three days… no, in  _ two months _ Catra felt an honest sense of hope. An emotion not layered in guilt, resentment and misguided, shameful anger. Her nod is almost pathetic in its enthusiasm.

\-------

It’s only as she’s stood in the corridor leading to Scorpia and Perfuma’s apartment that the dread kicks in. She’d been there before - Adora and her going for dinner parties, quiet drinks. The vibe now is…. It’s not pleasant.

Add to that the absolutely  _ icy _ stare of Angella Moon. The tall, besuited woman radiated rage and Glimmer looked like a husk next to her. For a brief moment, Catra felt a pang of sympathy. Which turned to guilt, then back to anger. The girl had… seduced her!

Had she?

The motives and means all blurred. Part of her, an old, buried part of her, wanted to grab the girl and ‘get their stories straight’. But a newer, more raw part of her now snarled at the thought and pushed it back. She was going to  _ own _ this. To prostrate herself and… do something.

They entered the apartment and Catra nearly stumbled as she saw Adora. Her Adora. Her world.

So close.

So very very very far away.

Those eyes that had danced with joy, that had looked at her with  _ awe _ in the mornings were… they weren’t Adora’s eyes. The woman across the table looked tired, not  _ quite _ broken and yet also like a block of steel. Catra quivered in herself as she took in the change in the short time it took to cross the floor.

She flinched as something touched her hand and reared away from Glimmer. Her soul  _ burned _ from the act. It had sent her skin crawling in a way that was visceral. Every emotion of the past few days boiled into her at the mere  _ proximity _ .

There was her answer on how she felt about  _ Glimmer _ clearly.

Her anger had found a new focus, a new, more appropriate thing to zero in on. And the rest of her being agreed. Oh, she still had  _ plenty _ of loathing for herself. But now… now she thought on it, now she looked at their past couple of months or even further...? Had Glimmer just had a goal in mind? And had Catra just blindly followed along? Or WAS it just… an accident.

She refocused on the other two in the room, barely registering Angella’s comments. Adora gestured for them to sit and they did so. She flinched again as Glimmer tried to reach out. And then it got… worse.

The conversation was stilted, oh so painful. And it wasn’t going  _ well _ . First Glimmer with her insistence they were a  _ thing _ . That they were going to be a  _ thing _ . She fired her reminder that she was calling it off and Glimmer sputtered as her worldview began to fracture, her motives and carefully constructed  _ rationale _ failing.

Except that didn’t work as Adora immediately questioned their  _ positions _ . And whether it’d have  _ stuck _ if she hadn’t walked in.

And Catra’s honesty chose that moment to trap her tongue and leave her rolling in indecision - could she? Would she? Would she have just pushed and pushed until… this happened some other way? Was she  _ that _ self destructive? Her internal voice said  _ Yes. _

Adora’s voice was ice all the way through, cutting through their dissembling. Catra fumbled her responses, her confusion and fear getting the better of her. Fumbles? There’d been more than two? Did they count? What was sex? It had been a grope and.. And she didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to confess to Adora - the shame would break her. The fear of the disgust in those flat, blue eyes. But she laid it out, as best she could in simple terms, praying it’d be enough.

And then she tried to  _ justify _ it. And Adora’s whip like response cut into her.

“Don’t you  _ dare _ ,” hissed Adora, “You don’t  _ blame _ me for this. I am  _ done _ taking shit for your behaviour. I apologised for that  _ shit _ two years ago, took all that on. You  _ don’t _ get to play that line on me, like some budget Sharon Weaver tribute act.”

Catra tried to glare, use her snark, her defensiveness, but all of it fell away under  _ that _ gaze. She swallowed and nodded, “I… I didn’t know… I just  _ acted _ out. I got drunk, I got  _ lonely _ . I missed you, and…”

“Then you should have SAID something!” wailed Adora and slapped her palms onto the table. She sagged, “And yeah, bullshit on  _ calling it off _ .”

More on Glimmer’s surprise at it being an  _ actual _ breakup. They argued and she saw a bitter smile on Adora’s features. And then the line. It knocked the wind out of her.

“So, I really  _ wasn’t _ enough, huh?”

Catra’s movements were instinctive, desperate as she lunged for Adora’s hand. That brief contact, the feel of the other girls cool skin was like lightning to Catra. Glimmer never stood a chance,  _ should _ never have stood a chance. How? WHY?

_ Because you wreck everything. Because you’re weak, you doubt and you hurt people when they get close. Because heaven forfend you look WEAK Catra. Best be along, be strong, right? _

“No! NO NONO! It’s me, I wasn’t enough I just… just felt I needed to know and… Sparkles and me we were getting on and… we crossed a line and I didn’t know how to reel it back, it was so… fresh, nice to have someone appreciate me and you were… I  _ know _ it’s wrong, but I felt we were growing distant and…”   
  


Adora met her gaze and pulled her hand free. Catra whimpered, and Adora shook her head, “That is the worst excuse ever. You saw an opportunity to get what  _ you _ wanted. To get  _ away _ with something. And you took it. I don’t mean  _ anything _ to you, do I? Not beyond some sort of scorecard?”

The words bit deep. She needed to let Adora get it out. She owed her that. She flexed her hands on the table and stared at Adora, willing her to believe the next few words, “You mean… so much more to me,” whispered the brunette, “So… so much. I… just knew I wasn’t  _ worth _ it. But… I  _ was _ lonely. We talked about your work, about how I DON’T see you, how you’re always prioritising it over  _ us _ .”

Adora sniffled, “My fault?” Catra shook her head and swallowed. She was losing this, she knew it.

“No… No Adora, this.. .this was  _ me _ . I did a stupid thing. I did what I used to do when I panic, when I… when I have no  _ out _ . I didn’t feel you were listening to me and…”

“I booked time,” whispered Adora. She stared at the table, “I booked two weeks. So we could… do stuff. Nothing big. Just be  _ us _ . I know we were drifting, I tried to be home, but I wanted this to be  _ stable _ so I need to give us stability. Can’t you see that?”

The wine. The flowers. She  _ had _ listened. She always did, of course. Why had Catra thought she didn’t? WHY?, “I… I…” her lungs compressed as she tried to force the sobs to not burst from her. Oh god she was fucked. She had fucked up so bad.

More words, declarations of  _ feelings _ from Glimmer. It actually made Catra ill. Bow spoke and his words jolted a response from Catra as she stared across the table.

“I wasn’t going to leave Adora,” she cried. Adora shrugged and the sheer indifference was a bolt to her chest. Adora  _ never _ put walls up. Even when they’d had their worst fights, she’d  _ never _ been this far away. Glimmer made more words, Catra barely registered, but interjected as she clung to herself. Desperate for Adora’s arms, her breath on her neck.

“It was stupid. It was… opportunity, y’know? That old spark of connection? I thought it was real, for a moment. Tricked myself. But every time,  _ every _ time I felt a shitheel. And then we’d go out to say  _ no more _ and it’d go stupid.”

Adora didn’t look up, “So, fuck in our bed for a last hurrah, huh?”

“No, I…. I don’t know Adora. I was trying to… and we’d been drinking and we started to play fight and then… it got heated and then you….” she looked up, “And my world fucking  _ broke _ . I knew… I knew that was it. I knew it. And it  _ wasn’t worth it _ . Not for this. Not for that expression on your face. Please Adora…. Tell me how I  _ fix _ this.”

“Fix it? Have you got a time machine, Catra? Want to go back and slap your idiot self, tell her no?” she put her head in her hands, “I don’t know if this  _ can _ be fixed. Because if I leave… what then? You fallback on Glimmer?”

The world swam as the idea floated in her head - she  _ could _ . Bail, make  _ do _ . Adora’d be fine, she and Glimmer… her stomach didn’t like that, her skin didn’t like that. Words. More words.

“No.”

Adora arched an eyebrow, “No?”

“No… I… I fell for the  _ idea _ . Thought I was… carefree, that you didn’t care, so you wouldn’t mind,” she shook her head, “Which was fucking stupid and an excuse and… the worst reasoning,  _ I know _ . It was selfish. I wanted… recognition that I wasn’t  _ getting _ . And that’s not fair on you Adora, but I did need it. I just… should’ve asked. This was… it was a rush.”

  
  


She ignored Glimmer’s defeated look, despite the  _ faint _ pang of her own guilt. THey’d done this together and not even for something as grand as  _ love _ . Adora had moved to the counter and spoke again, her voice low, defeated.

“This… is not what I want to be doing. I don’t know how to come back from this, Catra.”

Catra’s mind goes into a fuge for a moment - Bow and Glimmer argued briefly and then Bow just… left. Catra managed a snarky response with a bitter riposte from Glimmer. But it’s  _ words _ . And she says something that she tries to bite back on. And then she and Adora were alone.

The chasm between them is deeper than it’d ever been. Catra found her movements leaden, slow, cautious as she stood and approached. Adora hadn’t moved. At this angle, framed by the light coming through the kitchen window, she’s like a painting. Catra can’t help but trace the light around Adora’s jaw, the way it frames her.

Broken but unbowed.

She loved Adora. She knew it, deep in her core. She just wished she’d not been such a blind idiot, not so self absorbed and…. Selfish.

And then the moment crashed. She tried to reach out. But it was hollow, she knew - words wouldn’t  _ cut _ it. She felt each accusation like a body blow.

_ “What would you have done if I hadn’t found out Catra?” _

“ _ How long? Before I did something ‘wrong’ again? Or how long until Glimmer battered down your resistance? How long before you begin hating me?” _

_ “You don’t care Catra. You don’t think. You just…. Do,” _

_ “How do I trust you after this? Or was that the plan? Some weird way of showing me? So, what? I walk away and prove you right? Make you validate that whole ‘no one cares?’ Or do I push through this and you think ‘huh, I can do damn near anything and Adora will let me off the hook’?” _

And the look she gave Catra just…. Anything she had left, any resistance, any indignation just  _ drained _ away.

“How do I  _ fix _ this Adora?”

“I want to hug you so much  _ it hurts _ Catra. I want you to hold me and tell me this will all go away. But… it won’t. And I  _ know _ I’m not the only one you feel that way about, or who you can focus on. Maybe that’s selfish, maybe you want an open relationship maybe…”

“No! No I just want you, Just you. Please Adora. Please. Let me  _ fix _ this. Let me be better.” The words are a tumble, words she wants Adora to  _ believe _ . She doesn’t know if she herself quite believes them… because she knows she doesn’t trust herself yet. But she needs to find a way to stop this spinning away. SHe had broken this, and it was on  _ her _ to fix it. Not Adora. She knew that. She  _ knew _ it.

Adora screwed up her eyes, “I thought we were doing that. And maybe I have been zealous at work. Maybe I have been distant. But if your first action for just  _ two months _ is to grab the closest girl… I can’t do this. You  _ broke _ me before Catra. You’re breaking me again. Maybe that’s what you wanted all along. Well done. You win.”

No. No. No. No. Never that. She can’t think Catra would do that? For the barest moment, she’s angry that Adora could even  _ consider _ it. And then her brain shunts in Evidence samples A through fuckin Z and she wants to vomit. But she tried to push on.

“I  _ want _ to fix this. I know… I know I don’t  _ deserve _ a chance, Adora. I know I’m scum right now. But, please. I don’t know what to say to change your mind.”

“You lied to me Catra. For months. Intentionally. I need to  _ think _ . I need to feel that that won’t happen  _ ever _ again. And I have two choices. First, I give you a chance, I give you what’s left of my heart. And I wait for you to stamp on it. Or I walk away. And maybe, just maybe… I can live. So, tell me, what would  _ you _ do?”

Those eyes regard her coldly. There’s pain there but maybe? Maybe there’s hope? She’s being given  _ something _ . It’s not forgiveness, she’s no where NEAR that, she knows. But, maybe, she can have a little hope herself? Her hand, raised to reach out to Adora, dropped by her side. She took a shuddered breath. She remembered betrayal. How people she’d trusted let her down. How she thought  _ Adora _ had let her down. Which made this whole situation all the more grossly ironic - she’d done what she hated others doing, because she’d…. Not paid attention herself.

“Before we… reconciled. I don’t know? I’d given people my trust and it backfired. I walked away, I sealed up. You helped me… not be that girl anymore. Now…. now I’d… I’d take the risk. But I’d put a high bar on it. I’d make them work.”   
  


Adora makes a comment. It’s about  _ restrictions _ . And right now, Catra would agree to curfew and restricted internet, phone rights and a restraining order. Adora doesn’t seem as keen, despite Catra’s attempt at a pithy response. So she tried for honesty. Brutal, painful honesty. It feels like shes deployed a  _ tactic _ . But she is desperate. She can manipulate, she knows. But she doesn’t  _ want to _ . So she just lays it out, no dissembling, no preamble, no  _ angle _ .

“I… I messed up. That’s not a big enough  _ word _ I know. Glimmer and I we…. We overstepped and we got swept up and I thought it was… it was fun, ok? I thought it didn’t matter - and I was  _ wrong _ . But no apology will make do. So let me  _ prove i _ t. I can’t… I can’t lose you again. You say you want to hug me, I know you won’t and that  _ kills _ me. And it hurts more because I know  _ I did that _ . I put us here.”

Adora stared at her then closed her eyes, “It’s not going to be  _ easy _ Catra.”

“Would it be worth it if it was?” Catra managed, hoarse, hopeful.

“And…. and I don’t…”

“I will earn that trust. I  _ will _ .”

Adora stared at her and closed her eyes again, “I… I need some space, Catra. A few days. Lets see what that  _ means _ . I’m going to… go away for a bit. We’re on a break.”

Catra whimpered and braced against the chair near her, “Adora…”

“No. I  _ need _ this. You wanted this, on some level. You chased Glimmer. Maybe… maybe take the time to work  _ that _ out,” she almost spat the words, but exhaled, “I can’t… I can’t be around for that. I need to clear my head, to know if this is what  _ I  _ want now.”

And Adora… Adora leaves. There’s a moment when she shows Catra her phone that… that maybe Catra can talk to her? On some level? Let her know? Beg?

The door clicked shut. Catra fell to the floor. She keened again. Her fists clenched by her side and she bit her lip until she tasted coppery liquid. Everything was constricted, everything just  _ hurt _ . She kept her eyes clamped shut and only heard the footsteps. Hands gently lifted her to standing and she hunched into an embrace. Scorpia rocked her gently and she just  _ broke _ again.

She cried in an ugly, wet way, snot and wracking breaths as she clung to her friend, angry it wasn’t the  _ right _ torso, the right smell, the right  _ person _ , “I… I don’t think I’m gonna… come back from this.”

Scorpia sighed and led her to the couch, “Well… that’s the cost, Catra. You played, you lost.”

Catra blinked at the harshness and hung her head, “I’m… a bad friend, right?”

The muscular woman sighed, “You’re…. Damaged, Catra. And you need help. Relationships don’t just  _ work _ , ok? They ARE work. And like ‘Fuma said, you can’t expect one person to just do it all.”   
  


“I… I didn’t…” Catra managed, “I helped her too…”

“Did you? She managed your whole post Sharon meltdowns. But you’ve not  _ dealt _ with it. Yeah, you helped Adora with stuff… until recently. And she’s worked. We all see it. That girl would  _ die _ for you Catra… right now, it doesn’t look like that the other way.”

That hurt. Because it was  _ true _ , “She deserves… better.”   
  


Scorpia actually growled and flexed her fists, “Then BE better Catra. Don’t pull this pity parade and try to PROVE you’re awful! You want her to be happy? MAKE her happy. And if you fall you fall. Love is a risk. It’s pain and heartache and it drags it out of you some days. But you don’t pack up one day. You want this,” Scorpia stood and turned to look down at Catra, “You  _ work _ for it. And if, after this…. She says quit. You need to respect that. You can’t  _ make _ her do much else. But maybe you can show her you’re worth a second chance. If you want to be. If you can get over yourself.”   
  


The big woman’s breathing was heavy. Catra stared up at her in something like fear, “...how?”

“I haven’t a clue. But first off? Talk to Perfuma. Get some darn therapy, Wildcat. And… maybe cut down the alcohol? Oh and… yeah we caught that bit about working it out with Glimmer? I advise you  _ don’t _ do that. Like, at all. But you break what you want to break.”   
  


Catra inhaled and hugged herself. Her mind raced as she tried to catch up with herself. Adora would be gone for… not long. No where near enough time to  _ fix _ everything. But… she could show she was going to try?

Did she want to?

Did she want to keep inflicting herself on Adora? Was that  _ fair _ ?

Or had that attitude, that voice that wasn’t her own make things awful? Undermine it with it’s reinforcing echoes and loathing?

Could she bear to see Adora…. Elsewhere? Or was that the way forward? Let her go?

She swallowed and nodded to herself.

The future was worth the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you reckon!
> 
> Yeah she's not evil. But she is a dumbass and a complete prick.
> 
> Comments feed me and love to know if you think I've gotten her right...


	3. The Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The slow burn to a conclusion.
> 
> Growth comes at a cost. For something new to grow, often things must die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go. The MELANCHOLY CHAPTER.
> 
> I may post a different, alternative ending as a SEPARATE chapter. We'll see ;)

The drive out of town was… melancholy. She’d spent the past five years in the city of Brightmoon, building her life, reconnecting with Catra, then reforming her life around that. It was what she’d know as  _ stability _ . It had been safe. It had been routine.

But driving away from the place, it felt like weight was falling from her mind. SHe’d moved away from places before and the feeling had been similar, but not as intense as this. Previously she  _ had _ felt she’d left things behind. Or rather a specific  _ thing _ : Catra.

Now she felt, oddly, free. She didn’t know why. She wasn’t moving away, she was going on a break.

After dropping her at the hotel, Adora had booked a rental car then driven to the apartment. She’d gone in and moved as quickly as she could through it, collecting a few items of clothing, ancillaries and her charger for her phone. She’d paused in the bathroom and stared at the twin toothbrushes.  _ Would Glimmer’s be here if she came back? Would Catra move her in? _

She thought back to the visceral reaction Catra had had but that hardly reassured her. The girl could lie - and to  _ Adora  _ it seemed. To the girl who thought she knew Catra the best.

Her world view was cracked now - how oblivious  _ was _ she to have not picked up on it? Yeah, Glimmer was touchy-feely with everyone and Catra’s version of flirting was basically a night with a particularly mean comedian.

Her washbag packed, she’d fled the apartment and the strange, alien feel that it now had and piled into her rented car.

The drive was upstate, to the Whispering Woods, a little town called Thaymor. It was, but anyone’s reckoning,  _ rustic _ . She’d driven through it a few times over the years and always wanted to stop. When the  _ Best friend squad _ had done a brief road trip a year prior, she’d suggested stopping, but had been overruled - they’d been only a couple of hours away from town, so what was the point?

But she’d looked up the cabins over the year, the lakes that were nearby, the hiking trails. Only Bow had really been interested, but she’d hoped Catra would show some willing. SHe had in her bored, indulgent way, like she was doing Adora a favour. In hindsight that  _ irked _ . So Adora had, since leaving the disaster zone of a meeting, booked a cabin.

Yeah her savings were now getting depleted and she’d likely… likely…

Her hands gripped the steering wheel as she glared ahead at the road. The small hatchback shifted gear as she gunned the engine for a moment, then let out a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding.

_ She’d likely have to find a new place _ .

The thought made a lump form in her throat, but she refused to cry. She pooled it down, let the anger boil then turned the volume up on the radio. The station was on some 80’s nostalgia channel and she bared her teeth in a feral grin as she shouted along to songs she only half remembered, ignoring the fond memories of karaoke and  _ Rockband _ .

A couple of hours later she found herself crawling through the sleepy town. Basically, a single main street with a farmers market and a simple store; a gas station, what looked like a diner and a bar combined into one. The buildings were mostly one or two storey. She took note, then followed her phone’s map out of town towards the lakes.

Twenty minutes later she was at something that looked like a summer camp reception - all logs and with carved bear statues out front. She climbed out of the car and pushed open the door, her senses immediately impacted by the scent of  _ pine _ and  _ pie _ . She blinked at the sudden juxtaposition.

The reception was empty and Adora pinged the bell. She glanced back out of the door as the afternoon drifted towards evening outside and jumped as she turned around. A small woman with massive glasses and a  _ forest _ of grey hair that almost looked purple peered over the top of the counter, a frown on her face.

“Mara dearie?”

Adora blinked and coughed, “Um… no. Adora? I uh.. Booked. Last minute?”

“Oh yes, of course. You are blonde! Also, in pain.”

That got a minor gasp from Adora, “E...excuse me?”

“I have some pie, your cabin is number 4. Yes… so like Mara. You’d like Mara. It passses, my dear. And it helps us grow, as long as it doesn’t become our master,” the old man ducked down and handed a key to Adora, then smiled, “Off you go, dearie. I will bring some pie. Logs are setup near the cabins, but if you want more we have an axe nearby. Somewhere. Mara put it high, doesn’t think old Razz can find it! PAH!”

Adora held the key tight and nodded slowly at the old lady, “Oh…. KAY. I’m… I’m just gonna… go. To the cabin.”

Razz - she assumed that was the woman - smiled and nodded then shooed her off. Adora left and walked back to her car, then drove off down a small path until she saw a sign with a series of numbers on it. She turned and pulled up to a small lakeside parking spot. She hauled her bags out and then had to lean against the side of the car as a sudden wave of s _ adness _ washed over her but steadied herself. Then, with a sigh, hefted her collection of bags easily and marched towards her cabin.

An hour later, unpacked and setup in the cosy space, she went outside and sat on the steps. The interior consisted of a single living space with an open fireplace and a simple stove. There was a mezzanine where the beds sat, two for this cabin. There was a bathroom with a very rudimentary tub and shower setup on the ground floor. No tv. And no wifi. She checked her phone, noting the red number of messages on her various aps. But no data and no real signal. She smiled.

As she thought on it, she realised she’d  _ waved _ her phone at Catra. She wasn’t sure why - they could text? Talk it out that way?

No, that was going to cause more issues. If she even wanted to solve the current ones. Or if Catra did.

The thought made her listless, so she tried to focus on the view.

Her cabin faced the lake, only a few dozen yards away. She could make out the Reception cabin along the curve of the shore, not far off. She squinted as she saw there was what looked like a sheriff's car next to it - that hadn’t been there before. Adora watched a distant figure emerge from the Reception, a basket in hand - uniformed. Local cops? The figure waved back into the Reception, then clambered into the vehicle and it vanished into the trees. The forest was thick all around, obscuring line of sight, only the peaks of the local hills above the line of pines.

Adora gazed at the water and closed her eyes, let her breathing slow.

It was freeing, weirdly. Here she had no connections. No deadlines. No one to please or worry over. Just her and her surroundings.

Work was…. Work was all consuming it felt like. And her friends were… had been lovely. But also… needy, always on the go. Always a new plan. A new thing to do. A new event. And always turning to her to help execute a plan or an idea.

And she loved to help, she did. But it was exhausting.

Five years in Brightmoon, now… uncertain. She sighed as she thought about what she’d achieved, about what the  _ next _ steps were - it all felt suddenly so nebulous.

She’d wanted…. What? Stability? A future… but what did that future mean? Catra was the main aspect of it but doing  _ what _ ?

She’d taken more and more work on, gotten promotions to get money to… get a bigger apartment? Because Catra wanted space? She’d moved to the city because her friends were there. She’d taken on hobbies that her friends liked. She’d taken time out to help Catra find work after they’d reconciled. She’d been on calls with the group, fixing, helping, rushing about for months.

“Hello dearie.”

Adora jumped and her gaze flicked in front of her, away from the water. Razz stood there, basket in hand. The old woman smiled and Adora glanced up at the Reception hut, then at the path. How had the woman gotten there? She managed a cautious smile, “Um.. hello?”

“Got lost in that head, eh?”

She set her jaw and shrugged, “Busy day.”

Razz clucked, “Imagine so. Not every day we get to really examine the world, now is it?”

Adora frowned, “Not sure what…. You mean?”

The woman hobbled up and placed the basket down, then flipped the cover off. She rooted around, then produced a plate with a slice of steaming berry pie on it, “Your face tells all, Adora. Just like my Mara. She looked the same way you do when she had to make a choice.”

Adora accepted the pie cautiously and nodded slowly, “Like I said…. Busy day.”

The woman sat down next to her and gestured to the basket, “You need to head into town. Food, cooking. All those things. For today, though, pie. I have lots.”

That got a snort from Adora as she was handed a fork by the old lady. Tentatively she cut into the pastry and hooked a piece into her mouth. She groaned involuntarily - it  _ was _ good. Razz chuckled.

“Food is a comfort in trying times. View good?”

Adora stared wistfully out at the water, “Yeah. Nice to… be away from the city.”

“Gah. So much rush rush. Staring at the little screens then the big screens. Life bleeds away and they don’t notice. Don’t see each other for the noise,” Adora glanced at the woman and felt her gut lurch. She stifled a sniff, “Too many  _ distractions _ . We forget each other. Everything new, every five minutes… want the new thing, then the next thing. Here…” she gestured at the expanse of nature in front of them, “You can see what matters. Room to breathe. To think.”

THey sat in silence for a moment, whilst Adora finished the pie. Wordlessly, Razz handed her another slice. Adora devoured that too. The old woman smiled, then stood. Adora followed suit, “Um… thank… thank you for the pie.”

Razz smiled at her, “Thank you for booking! Nice to have company.”

Adora gave her a weak smile, “The cops don’t count?”

Razz snorted, “Old faces, nice to see. New faces, always good. I can see them learn which is always… joyous.”

“Thought you said new things were bad,” Razz grinned.

“Only if it comes at the expense of an old thing that is good. Good night Adora.”   
  


She watched the old woman go and sighed, then saw the basket was still in front of her. She looked up to call after Razz, but the woman was gone.  _ Damn _ she was fast for a geriatric…

With a grumbled, Adora carried the basket inside and set it up on the table - there were some packed supplies- bread, eggs, bacon. Enough for breakfast. Adora swallowed and smiled a watery smile. Catra cooked her breakfast…

The thought trailed off. Catra cooked her breakfast… when Catra had done something wrong. Or they’d argued.

She leaned against the counter and took a few, steadying breaths. But… but it was what she needed. She had to decide, had to  _ think _ . Not mope, but just  _ get on _ with working out what was  _ next _ .

Steadied, she unpacked the basket and got herself ready for an early night. She’d explore in the morning. Hike. Cry.

Busy day.

\-----------------------

Catra was a quick study but not the greatest at adopting lessons. She  _ knew _ this. In her core - her bad habits were so ingrained at times, from years of  _ nurture _ under Sharon Weaver’s maternal guidance. Lessons in not having value, expectations or trust in others. But she was determined to get Adora back, come hell or high water. She wanted Adora. She NEEDED Adora. Adora was HERS and she’d broken the trust. She couldn’t survive without her. Adora kept her grounded, focused. She needed to show Adora that leaving  _ again _ wasn’t the way forward.

In the back of her mind, where she was watching herself spiral from an almost detached perspective, a small voice pointed out that  _ this wasn’t the way _ .

She  _ knew _ Adora hadn’t left her before - that had been Catra’s own stubbornness. She knew that Adora  _ wasn’t _ a possession.

But her mind was also angry. Affronted. Shame had morphed to indignation and a righteous drive. Pacing around Scorpia and Perfuma’s apartment whilst the pair were out had not helped - it had let her mull over Adora’s accusations and words. And they stung in a way that made Catra angry.

She was angry at herself, yes, but… also at Glimmer. And also at  _ Adora _ . Adora shouldn’t just… throw this away. She’d walked  _ away _ . Too easily. Which meant she  _ didn’t _ care. Had Catra been right? Had she… made the right call?

But her other voice screamed at that, showed the mental image of Adora’s face, of her body, so rigid and tense.

She sighed and sank to the floor - the original thought train back on track - she  _ needed _ Adora, and she needed to  _ show _ Adora she could change. She could fix things. She could make the problems go away.

Catra fished her phone out and scrolled through the contacts. Adora had said she wanted her to be sure, hadn’t she? Her mind was a bit fuzzy with anger. Scorpia had grounded her, given her focus, but the larger woman wasn’t there and Catra’s spiral was firing several plans.

Therapy, yeah… long term. She’d get round to it. She’d promise Adora. She’d… she’d go, of course. Once she’d persuaded Adora that they were  _ ok _ .

Right now, she owed it to Adora to know that this was a clean slate. And that meant making sure the whole Glimmer thing was buried. No more risks. She pressed dial on the contact.

_ “Catra?”  _ Glimmer’s voice was breathless.

_ “ _ Where you at?”

_ “Downtown… Bow… Bow left me here. He’s… taking time. Catra what do we DO?” _

“Boo fucking hoo, sparkles. Crash and burn.”

_ “Don’t start. This is on YOU as… as much… and I thought we had…” _

Catra ran a hand over her face. She felt guilt for this as well. Glimmer  _ was _ a friend and… she’d… and…. Her thoughts weren’t making much sense here. She didn’t like the girl right now, but there was a lot to sort through. And they hadn’t exactly cut the cord like she’d wanted. That needed doing properly, right?

“Look, lets… just meet. I need to work out how… how to get Ado-”

“ _ What? No… no. we’re IN this. WE need… we’re committed Catra. We took the dive. If we aren’t… if we AREN’T then I have just…”  _ Glimmer took a shuddering breath, “ _ Then I have ruined my best friend and the guy I thought I’d grow old with for some…. Shitty fling. It HAS to be more… IT HAS TOO. I… I’m not… I’m not like that…” _

Catra huffed and felt her gut roil. Guilt? Dread? “Let’s… let’s meet.”

_ “Your place?” _

Her stomach PLUMMETED, “NO! No…. we’ve… no. Public.”   
  


“ _ I know a bar. Texting you now.” _

Glimmer hung up. Catra stood and headed for the door. She wasn’t sure why her gut got worse. Or why she was shaking. She barged past Scorpia but hands gripped her shoulders, “I know that look, Wildcat. You aren’t going after Adora?”

“No! She… she  _ left _ , made it very clear…”

Scorpia gently pushed Catra against the wall and the smaller girl inhaled sharply. Scorpia fixed her with an intense stare, “Be very careful how you continue, Catra. I love you, I will stand by you…. Mostly. But… she is not the bad guy here. And you saying that is, well, it’s not super awesome. Where are you going?”

Catra tried to look away and shrugged, “Just… clearing my head. Tying up loose ends. Adora wanted me to.”

Scorpia’s eyes narrowed, “Glimmer.”

The smaller girl swallowed then blinked as Scorpia released her arms. The taller woman looked  _ sad _ . So  _ sad _ . She turned away and folded her arms. Catra felt suddenly hot and flustered, “WHAT? I’m… I’m shutting it down!”

“Thought you already  _ did _ that, Catra,” murmured Scorpia. She looked at the other girl and shook her head slowly, “It won’t end well. You need distance. Time. Contemplation. Running off… just  _ reacting _ it’s not going to work.”

“What do you know!” shouted Catra, “You’ve got it  _ so _ perfect?” she was in pain. She needed Adora, needed that calm touch that always brought her back. And if Adora… if Adora wouldn’t..

_ Then who, child? So easy to replace her, is it? What WOULD she say? _

Guilt stabbed her in the gut again. Scorpia just gazed at her, impassive, “No. ‘Fuma and I… we have our days. But, safe to say… not gone and humped a friend when I got snitty with her.”

Catra blinked at the delivery. Scorpia… disapproved, “It… it wasn’t.. It…”

“Catra, we  _ saw _ , don’t backtrack. You messed up. Own it. We keep telling you.”

“I AM owning it! It’s why I’m going to.. .going to…”

“What? Meet up with her? How do you think it’ll go?”

Catra  _ knew _ what she was doing. She did. She bit her lip, “Adora… wanted me to be  _ sure _ . And I know what I’m doing. I’m shutting it down. I’m  _ telling _ her to just… let it go.”   
  


“And a text won’t do?”

“I… owe it…”   
  


Scorpia rolled her eyes. She actually  _ rolled _ them, “You’re worse than Entrapta. And she has a  _ reason _ she can’t parse emotional reads… but even she would be lecturing you if she was here. You  _ owe _ it to the girl you  _ cheated _ on Adora with?”

Said out loud it sounded… very very wrong. But shame burned into the charcoal of resentment and spite. She tilted her chin faintly, “We had something. A connection. I want to end it right. Clean break, no misunderstandings.”

The taller woman sighed and closed her eyes, then stepped away, “Fine, Catra. But… I don’t know if we can help.”

Catra paused at the door and frowned at Scorpia, “I.. I don’t need help with this…”

Scorpia’s gaze was almost like Adora’s - sad, flat,  _ disappointed _ , “No. I guess you don’t. Goodbye Catra.”

It was only as Catra was boarding a bus downtown that she registered the strange finality of Scorpia’s words.

\----

Glimmer’s chosen bar was…. A hotel bar. That seemed weird to Catra as she pushed into the lobby and found the pink haired girl with a couple of empty glasses. She looked  _ wrecked _ . Catra felt a mixture of savage satisfaction and a tiny sliver of pity. She drew up to the bar and leaned on it, “Weird choice.”   
  


“...Bow and I came here, first anniversary….”

“That’s… twisted.”

“Thought it’d have some… happy vibes, y’know? Help with  _ this _ ,” she gestured between them, then turned bleary, tired eyes on Catra, “Whatever  _ this _ is?”

Catra shifted uncomfortably, the dread in her stomach now pooled and solidifying as her brain told her, in no uncertain terms, that this had been a  _ grave _ mistake. She shrugged, “It was… fun. Right?”

The answer rolled out and she suddenly hated her own voice. For how  _ casual _ it sounded. For how  _ little _ it mattered. For how she’d… left Adora alone for something so  _ basic _ . She tried to ignore her own bile. Glimmer shrugged, “Yeah… yeah it was.”

Catra spread her arms, “We fucked up. We… listened to some stupid Cosmo level BS and… and we… .we made a really bad call. Because this… this isn’t…”

Glimmer sighed and sank another drink, then waved the bartender over. She swallowed, “I’m  _ not _ a bad person! I… can’t be…” she whispered. Catra patted her shoulder.

“Join the club. We… we did something bad.”   
  


“But… if we did then...” the pink haired girl slammed her head on the bar, “Oh god…. And I thought we  _ had _ a chance…”

Catra sighed and nodded at the barman for a drink of her own, “At what, Glim?”

“A future? I thought… yeah, we’d hurt people. But it… it was gonna lead to  _ something _ .”

They lapsed into silence and drank the wine in front of them. The glasses were refilled. Catra stared at the bar top and sighed, “It wasn’t terrible, Glim… but… we hurt them. Bad. And…”

“And?”

Catra slugged the wine. It really shouldn’t have been drunk that way, but she needed that bitter burn of the red that sucked her cheeks in, “And yeah, it was… energetic and  _ forbidden _ . But, y’know…”

“No, Catra I  _ don’t _ know.”

“Glim, we did this ‘cos we got drunk. And then we got carried away. And then we bitched about how we were being i _ gnored.” _

“We were…” but Glimmer didn’t sound convinced. Catra just felt tired. The day had dragged already and she felt drained from the past few days. She realised she hadn’t really eaten either. Another glass was in front of her. 

The pair chatted idly, stiltedly, going over the past few months, Catra pushing for how  _ casual _ it had been, with Glimmer sniffling and trying to show it was the  _ start _ of something. Catra was growing antsy as she realised they weren’t making headway, just… arguing. About emotions, Catra trying to diminish, Glimmer sculpting some sort of doomed romance. And Catra had enjoyed the attention, selfishly, she knew.

She’d  _ never _ gotten affection from Sharon. Adora had been it. Adora had been everything and, she realised, she’d gotten  _ bored _ . Or bored wasn’t the right word - complacent. Because Adora did EVERYTHING. Ador… cared for her. Adora… went out of her way to help… was so tender. Was so  _ there _ . And Catra… Catra had thought it was oppressive when actually, when she looked at those feelings, she’d felt  _ inadequate _ in response.

Adora never really needed  _ her _ . Not really.

But Glimmer had, on some level. In a twisted way. But she didn’t  _ need _ Glimmer. Tears pricked her eyes. She really  _ shouldn’t _ have come. The wine was making her woozy and her low blood sugars from no food were making her moody.

“Hey...hey Catra, I’ve got you,” Glimmer’s face, flushed and drunk, loomed next to her. Catra was crying as grief tore into her. The absence of arms that had  _ always _ comforted her made the tears run faster. She had  _ made _ Adora leave and and…

Lips crashed against hers. Wine taste and salt as tears met breath. She clung to another warm body. Her vision swam as she felt herself pulled away from the bar, hushed encouragement interspersed with sweet, reassuring kisses. There was the ding of an elevator and Glimmer pushed herself against Catra. There was a desperation in the way she kissed the brunette. And Catra’s hands roamed, madly, over Glimmer. She was  _ angry _ but not sure at whom. She was so  _ sad _ . And she felt guilty and it all boiled into a warmth that drove her need for some sort of reassurance.

A door clicked open, she was lost in her track of the movements and she felt her legs meet the edge of a bed. They tumbled down and she felt hands begin to tug at her clothes. She kissed that warm mouth again, but it tasted  _ wrong _ . Not… not…

Fingers slipped under her shirt to stroke at her. Her own slipped around a waist that also felt… off. Her eyes fluttered as another hand slid over her pants and between her legs, “Adora….” she gasped.

Everything froze and her eyes flashed open. Glimmer stared back, eyes blinking. They stared at each other and Catra hacked a sob. Glimmer bit her lip and tried to reach forwards and Catra rushed in, tried to kiss her, tried to drown the guilt. She shoved her hand under Glimmer's skirt, trying to find something, anything, to burn away the  _ pain _ in her head, some mechanical action, some pleasure, no matter how temporary.

Then she saw, over Glimmers shoulder, her face in the mirror. Hunched above the diminutive woman, face streaked with tears, hoodie rumpled and half off, jeans a mess.

She froze and a wave of disgust hit her  _ hard _ . So hard it punched the air from her lungs. She recoiled, hands coming free from Glimmer who whimpered suddenly. Catra stared at herself in the mirror, then at her hands, then back at her drunken self. She swallowed and slowly shook her head, “A..Adora…” she whimpered.

Glimmer glared at her, tears in her eyes, “It’s… it’s too  _ late _ Catra.. We’ve… we’ve chosen our…”

“NO!” Catra clutched her hair, then practically fell off the bed. Her vision narrowed and she darted for the bedroom door. Behind her Glimmer called out, desperate, afraid,  _ alone _ . Catra slammed the door shut behind her and leaned against it.

_ Fuck fuck fuck. _

She dragged a shaking hand down her face. But she… she’d  _ stopped _ at least, right? Yeah? She didn’t know this would happen!

That was a lie and she knew it. A deep, twisted one - she knew it’d been  _ likely _ .

A voice came through the door, “Please Catra… we… we need to fix this. Something good has to come out of this… I… I’ve hurt Adora. I’ve broken her. Bow is… he’s  _ gone _ Catra. This HAS to mean something. I can’t have broken the world for  _ nothing _ … please… please tell me it wasn’t for nothing. Don’t you  _ dare _ walk away. Please come back and… and we can just talk it out, ok? Just…”

Catra slammed the back of her head against the door, “Glimmer… we’re  _ done _ . You… I. WE did this. And I can’t do this… not without her.”

Glimmer’s sob came through the door, “Why… why not  _ me _ ?”

Catra had no answer. Why not? Because, when it came down to it, what did they have in common? What did they talk about? All their conversations had been… negative. Talking  _ down _ their partners, their co workers, the world around them. It had been a montage of sneering, jibes and  _ entitlement _ fuelled by too many drinks.

If she was being honest, they shared very little, beyond a superficial bond… something that had been so new and  _ shiny _ it had eclipsed the more solid, engraved connections they really had. But by comparison it was tinfoil.

She pushed away from the door and staggered down the corridor, her phone in hand. Her haze was made worse by the tears and she texted Adora.

_ I kknw u ned space. I miss u n i am sorry. So sorry. Plz. in eed u. This is hard for me 2. An thats not fair on u. Plz. can we talk. Just a call. So i kno ur ok. I want 2 hear you. Please. _

She stared at the message and heard the door behind her open, just as she reached the lift. She saw Glimmer in the hall, her face a mask of defeat and despair. The elevator doors slid shut and Catra leaned against the side. She felt less guilty now and also  _ more _ .

Her walk was unsteady, but she made it outside. Where she promptly threw up. The anxiety and the alcohol made for a potent, unpleasant mix, it would seem. She managed clutch her phone and dialled Scorpia. It rang out.

Scorpia’s phone  _ never _ rang out.

She tried again.

It rang out again. Catra felt another stab of fear. She tried again. And again. Then she tried Perfuma. The other girl answered on the fourth ring with a sigh, “ _ Catra.” _

“Is… is Scorpia ok? She’s not answering and it’s… late.”

“ _ Ah. Well Scorpia doesn’t feel she can talk to you right now.” _

Catra’s stomach dropped - if she hadn’t already thrown up, she would’ve right there, “W...why?”

_ “She respects you, Catra. She holds… held you in high regard. But… I think you’ve let her down now. She was willing to stand by you. But apparently… and I will try not to judge… you went to see Glimmer?” _

Catra was walking now, aimlessly, down the street, “Yeah… to cut it off! To… to…”

_ “The fact it’s late and you’re calling in a panic… and you’re slurring?” _

“It…. didn’t… we didn’t! I… I stopped it!”

_ “Oh. So how far did you get?” _

There was faint bite in those words. Catra felt herself slipped and she swallowed, “Not… that far…” she cringed. Perfuma sighed.

“ _ I’m texting you some therapist numbers. Then… then I think you need to give Scorpia some space.” _

“Perfuma I… it… I didn’t  _ want _ to… I just thought…”

“ _ Catra,”  _ Perfuma sounded calm, but there was an edge there now, “ _ You aren’t thinking. You’re just following impulses. You aren’t listening to yourself, you’re listening to your indignation, your ego. Not to your soul. And… well, your choices are your own. But you are hurting everyone around you. You are driving them away. And before you start on a victimisation rant, think about the impact of your actions. What would others think, now?” _

“It’s… it’s none of their business!” whimpered Catra, “I… I wanted to just…”

_ “I won’t tell Adora. Neither will Scorpia. But that’s the last bit we can do Catra. I won’t cover for lies. I won’t hurt my friends. You need to really think about what you want. And what the steps you need to take to get there. Not run away, not react.” _

Catra scuffed her shoes and slumped at a bus stop, “SO… people’d be better off if…”

_ “I can see where you’re going with that Catra. So, no. Because running away will not solve this. Pretending you have no value will not solve this. It is precisely because you HAVE value and worth to other people that this hurts them so much. Be. Better. Not for them. For yourself. Because from that, you will then help others. Now…. I am going to hang up. Because I am angry with you Catra. More so.” _

“C...can I talk…”

_ “No. I think unless you wish to permanently burn that bridge you go home. Further down the path…. Look, just tell us you’ve picked Glimmer and we can just… give you space. And… we’ll call you. At some point.” _

The line went dead. Catra held her phone in front of her and trembled. A part of her wondered at sprinting back to the hotel, to just… experience  _ some _ connection. Lose herself in that, in the feeling of belonging. She felt her feet turn that way, but something froze her in place. That last line  _ picked Glimmer _ .

Like it was… a fucking  _ contest _ ? Like they were… trophies? Like she had a choice?

She slumped back. That momentary impulse to go back, to satisfy an immediate need was gone, replaced by the leaden feeling of failure. This felt like a test and one she’d flunked.

She cried on the bus home. No one seemed to want to know.

\----------

Adora had been at the cabin for three days. She’d slept in late the first day, then done a long walk around the lake, after she’d cooked breakfast from Razz’s supplies. She’d popped into the reception to drop the basket off and had noticed the sheriff’s car again as she did a walk around the lakeshore, once more at a distance.

This time the distant figure had paused and waved. Adora had tentatively waved back, not sure if it was directed at her. She got the impression of dark skin and darker hair, before the figure got back in the car and it vanished back into the trees.

After her complete orbit of the lake, which took a good three hours as it wasn’t pathed all that well, she returned to the reception and founded Razz with a basket of groceries. The woman had slid them across the desk and smiled, “Too many from town, thought you could use them. Now, shoo. Have to sort out more pies.”   
  


“For your Sheriff friend?” chuckled Adora, “Bribing police, huh?”

Razz smiled fondly, “Ahhh well, the town looks after me. And I look after them. Balance, you know?”

Adora wondered what that meant, but accepted the groceries - she wasn’t up for a trip into town, not just yet. Hermiting in the cabin felt right for the moment.

Day two she used the payphone in the reception to call Bow.

_ “ADORA! Oh I was worried… you… you ok?” _

“I’m…. actually not that bad. I think it’s the fresh air.”

_ “Oh um… ok. Where are you?” _

She sighed and rested her head against the pine wall in the small phone cubicle, “North… small place… just… needed my own space, y’know? Couldn't deal with the city. Too many reminders. How are you doing?”

_ “Honestly? Not… great. Not really. _ ”

“Big shock,” deadpanned Adora. That got a pained laugh from Bow.

“ _ Yeah, who… who’d have thought?” _ she caught the stammer in his voice and closed her eyes.

“Hey, it’s ok. You… um, you want to come up and…?”

_ “Adora… no. You need your space and both of us? Feedback loop of WHAT THE HELL, y’know? We’ll either get to angry, or too sad. I think you made the right call. I’m… I’m with Angella, though. She’s helping.” _

Adora frowned, “Where’s…. She?”

“ _ Not a clue. She wanted to talk but honestly, not making a lot of sense. I think she’s… I think she’s had a bit of a break. This whole thing coming out seems to have actually broken her. GLimmer’s… Glimmer’s  _ tough _. Scrappy. Used to being the focused, committed one of us, y’know? This… this has broken that whole kind, good, generous image she has of herself. I…”  _ he sucked a breath,  _ “I honestly think they overstepped and… this was something stupid that went bad.” _

Adora shook her head, “I… want to believe that…. Actually I don’t. Because that means it was easy for both of them to do this. They were selfish.”   
  


_ “I know… I know. Do you have any idea what you’re going to do?” _

She exhaled slowly, “No. I… I love her. I think I still do. I… don’t know. It just gets mixed up with anger and… a bucketload of disappointment. I can’t just box my way out, either. So… I don’t know… I feel like I want to cry but I  _ can’t _ anymore. I’m just tired of dealing with it. BEcause it’s like… we go back and then this happened again? If she can’t change…” she closed her eyes, “And if….I do go, then she’s gone and that doesn’t feel..  _ Right _ . It feels too easy!”

She slammed her fist, gently against the wall and closed her eyes. Bow hummed faintly, “ _ Do you want… them to suffer?” _

There’s no expectation there. Just gentle curiosity. Adora sagged.

“I… don’t know. I want them to know how much we’re hurting. I want them to  _ care _ … but, part of me, yeah, wants them to feel a bit of the hurt.”   
  


_ “I think they are….” _

Adora laughed, mirthlessly, “And it still doesn’t feel like enough. But… if we let them go, it just feels like… they get to walk away. And we’re left with all the  _ mess _ . They can go hook up, live their lives. They get what  _ they want _ …” she bit her lip and closed her eyes. Bow took a few halting breaths on the end of the phone.

_ “Yeah… but… I don’t know, part of love is letting go, seeing if they do come back? And… part of surviving is getting rid of things that aren’t good for you. Grieve the good times, mourn the change.” _ _   
  
_

That got a snort from Adora, “What, going into business making motivational posters? What’re you going to do?”

_ “Therapy… maybe couples therapy once we get through… this…. But Angella has already drafted some divorce papers, ready. Hooo Adora she is PISSED.” _

Adora snorted again, “Wow.”

“ _ Oh, um, she… she wants to talk, is that ok?” _

“Yeah, put her on…” Adora twisted the phone cord around her finger as Angella’s familiar, soothing voice came down the line.

“ _ Adora, are you ok?” _

“Nope… not really.”   
  


_ “Well, I suppose that is to be expected. I am.. So so sorry about this. I am just shocked. I didn’t expect this of either of them. I thought they were close. I saw them having lunch now and then and… thought nothing of it. I am sorry I wasn’t able to… spot it. I just thought it was good friends meeting up.” _

Adora closed her eyes and took a few halting breaths, “Not your fault Angella.”   
  


_ “I know… I know Glimmer is my daughter. But… you are as close to that as I can get… without the paperwork,” _ Adora smiled fondly at that.

“Thank you…”

“ _ Just know I am here… and will do all I can to help you through this. I am very… disappointed in Glimmer. And I am struggling to fathom this. But,... do you need anything? Are you… safe?” _ _   
  
_

_ “ _ Yeah, just…” this was Angella, she’d want to know. And the woman had practically taken her in after the various debacles over two years ago, “Up in Thaymor, taking in the air. Need the space.”   
  


“ _ Very wise, Adora. Let us know if you need anything.” _

She said goodbye and got Bow back for a few minutes, before she hung up. She found sleeping a little easier that night, curled up tight into a ball. Both sets of covers from the two beds around her.

On the fourth day, she had a bit of a wobble.

Adora had popped into town for some more groceries. Self catering was a bit of a nuisance, but she was enjoying it. The farmers market was pleasant, open and had plenty of fresh goods that, hands down, beat the crappy corner store she usually just snagged instant meals from.

The whole town felt… gentle. Open. People greeted each other in the street. People greeted  _ her _ . The lack of rush, the lack of deadlines and pressure and  _ expectation _ was shocking.

It almost broke her, such was the whiplash from her normal day.

She saw some notices in the market - rooms for rent, small jobs, little things.

It was… interesting. Appealing, for some reason. The city, right now, held nothing but stress and a loop of chasing money to pay vast sums to rent small spaces. She wondered… but that felt like a pipe dream. She’d  _ wanted _ to be in the city, to grow a career, to map a future.

Right?

That night she’d stared at the ceiling and tried to list the good things about living in Brightmoon. Catra and her friends had been the primary elements but…. Those felt too broken now.

It wasn’t a long list with those elements gone.

That Friday she’d woken up with an oddly peaceful feeling. She’d ended up at the wood block, chopping away. The act was cathartic as she brought the axe over her shoulder with a neat slice, the stumps splitting with a satisfying crack each time. Rhythmic. Hypnotic. Calming. Her arm muscles, defined as they were, ached as she piled the stack higher and higher with each successive chop.

The sound masked the approach of a car and she only noticed it at the last minute. Her gaze flicked up and her eyes narrowed as she recognised  _ Glimmer’s _ car. With a definitive  _ thud _ she drove the axe into the chopping block and folded her arms. Inside the small coupe, she could see Glimmer staring at her, wide eyed. Adora cocked an eyebrow and, slowly, the smaller girl stepped out.

Adora watched as the pink haired girl smoothed down her rumpled skirt then looked around with a faint frown, “So.. this is where you ran to?”

“Well aren’t you observant. What do you want?”

Glimmer’s jaw worked and she huffed, “You… you need to let Catra  _ go _ Adora.”

The blonde cocked her head and frowned, “Well, I’m working that out….”

“No you do. She… she’s…”

“What, yours?” sneered Adora. She ran a hand through her hair, “You don’t get to march into  _ my _ quiet time to make demands on shit…”

Gimmer clenched her fists, “She’s… falling apart and  _ you _ ran away.”

“Oh, so I need to pick up the pieces, do I?” Adora’s voice was calm, “You both screw me over but I just  _ have _ to be the one to fix it?”   
  


“We’re…. You don’t,” Glimmer was trying to articulate something, but also seemed to be at war with herself, as guilt and confusion flickered over her face. Adora, who’d normally step forward with a hug, or a reassuring word, just watched her, silent. Finally Glimmer tilted her chin back, “You’re hurting her.”

Adora stared, then laughed. A harsh bark of a laugh, “I honestly… you know, what gets me, I  _ tried _ my best and still….”

Glimmer was breathing heavily, “Well  _ maybe _ your best wasn’t good enough! If it was, then she wouldn’t have climbed onto ME. And maybe, if you’d been around she wouldn’t have come running  _ back _ to me….” the girl stuttered to a halt. Clearly she’d intended to say it. Except now she  _ had _ , she realised it… sounded…  _ bad. _

Adora eyed her and a small smile threaded its way across her face. More a sneer, ugly and harsh than a smile, thought, “Well… that answers  _ one _ of the questions I posed to her, doesn’t it?”

Glimmer straightened. She was all in, but didn’t look happy. She stared to one side, “I… I love her,” Adora stared. Then placed her hands on her hips and laughed. Glimmer scowled, “WHAT?”

“What’s her favourite number?”

“Um.. wait, no one has…”

“42069. Favourite food?”

“She likes sushi.”   
  


“Yeah. She loves macaroons though. Favourite film?”

“Um, Share-...”

“Secretary. She tell you about Shadow Weaver? You want to know?”

“What, your… weird upbringing?”

“Ah so she hasn’t told you about the cigarette burns? Or the cupboard?”

Glimmer stared and opened her mouth, “We… we talk about…”

“Work, right? Exciting, sexy things, right?” Adora huffed, “Yeah… I’ve done the fucking  _ hard shit _ , Glimmer. I got the fun stuff for a while and then, look, I’m now  _ boring _ . Because I know all about her, know her tweaks, her smiles, her weaknesses. And look at you, being the new fun thing. Yeah, I got the grief, you got the fun. How long will it  _ last _ , Glim?”

She turned, and walked back to the axe. Glimmer stuttered and then spoke, “We… we can make it…”

“Then why are you  _ here _ ? GO on. Just.. .go. You can pin her down? Fucking keep her,” she turned her flat stare at the girl who had once been her best friend, “Don’t come crying to me if you find something better. Or she does. I don’t know what you’re trying to prove here Glimmer. Why you need my weird  _ blessing _ because you sure as shit didn’t ask before.”

She pulled the axe free, then placed another block on the stump. She split it with a single swing. Glimmer watched, mesmerised, “I… I wasn’t g…. Getting…”

“Your mom told you I was here, right?”

“Uhhh,” Glimmer stared as Adora smashed another log in two, “I… I said…”

“You lied, I bet. Said you wanted to make up? Well tell Angella…” another blocked smashed, “That I won’t want to talk to her for a while,” another log split, “Can you do that, Glim, can I  _ hold _ you to that?” slam, break, “Can I  _ trust _ you?”

She hit the next log with such force the axe became half buried in the stump. Glimmer stared at it, then at Adora, whose gaze was fixed on the stump. Glimmer swallowed as she took in the blonde and something clearly clicked in her, “Adora… I…  _ I  _ never meant it…”

“You took the one thing… the  _ one _ thing that I cared about Glimmer. But I’ve lost the  _ love _ of my life. I’ve lost my best friend. And now you’ve taken the only person who was ever a  _ mother _ to me as well,” she looked up, “Go away. Just… go away. I never. Ever. Want to see your face near me  _ again _ .”

She didn’t shout. She didn’t scream. She just sighed the words out, then leaned her head back and stared at the sky. Glimmers hand came up, as if reaching out. Her fingers clenched and the look of absolute  _ grief _ and regret that swam across her face almost stirred something in Adora.

Almost.

Glimmer swallowed nodded sharply, “I… I wish this hadn’t happened.”

Adora shrugged, “Go away.”

The pink haired girl retreated. Adora watched the car pull away, then turned listlessly and headed for her own car. She felt dazed, drained. She didn’t want to be in the cabin. Now this place felt polluted too.

She waited for a moment then screamed and hammered the steering wheel with the balls of her fists. She jammed the key in the ignition. The drive to town went by in a blur. She parked up on the main road and strode into the small bar cum diner.

She wasn’t a heavy drinker, not normally. The late afternoon swam by as she sank a few slugs of whisky, followed by a few beers. She staggered out as the sun was slowly descending towards the hills and managed to slump onto a bench on the main road. Her car was nearby but she knew she was in no state to drive.

She’d been getting  _ better _ she thought. Improving. Getting  _ over _ it.

Her phone dinged - she’d forgotten she’d actually put it in her pocket - there was a single bit of data signal and a few more messages popped up. One from Catra, from a few days prior. Drunkenly, she looked at it. Then Glimmer's words swam to her brain and she glared at the message.

She typed a response:  _ Glimmer said hi. Was she not enough after I was gone then? Send her up her to do what you couldn’t? _

She looked up at the sky and closed her eyes. Tears forced themselves free and she tried to hold the sobs in. It didn’t work. She cried. Then she hunched forwards and clutched herself tightly. She knew people on the street were staring at her. She didn’t care. She keened as the pain lanced through her.

A voice came at her, faint, as if from far off. She cou;dn’t make it out, but held herself tighter. Her phone clattered out of her grip as she shook. Hands touched her gently, “Ma’am…? Are you ok? Ma’am?”

Adora took a shuddering breath and looked up. Her eyes took in a uniform - beige shirt, dark brown lining. A sheriff’s badge. She looked further up, past a feminine chest, into dark eyes in a sculpted face. Chocolate skin and brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. Concern etched the woman’s face. She couldn’t have been much older than Adora.

The blonde shuddered again and shook her head. The officer peered at her, “Hey… aren’t you staying at Razz’s?” Adora blinked and managed a nod. The other woman smiled gently, “Alright, let’s… let’s get you back there then.”

Adora let herself be led towards the Sheriff’s car. She gestured to her own car, “But… I…”

“It’ll be here in the morning. I’ll bring you back. Right now, I think you need some of Razz’s hot chocolate. And a chat.”

Adora frowned, “I’m… I’m alright, just a moment, you don’t need to…”

The woman opened the passenger door and gestured inside, “In. Trust me, I don’t want to handcuff you,” she smiled gently at that, “Resisting help is hard to justify to judges.”

Adora couldn’t help but snort at the rubbish joke, then nodded and climbed in. She sighed and hugged herself. The officer got into the driver’s seat and smiled carefully at her. Adora shrugged, “Sorry. Bet you have better things to tbe doing.”

“Rescuing a damsel in distress? Sounds pretty good to me.”

Adora rolled her eyes, “Damsel, please. I’d rather be the knight.”

“Eh, knights can cry too,” the woman put the car into gear and they rolled away. Adora frowned at her.

“Not going to… um take me to the station? Take a statement?”

The woman shrugged “Did you do something illegal? I mean, the drunk tank is basically just the back office of the station and I  _ could _ put you in our only cell with the door unlocked buuut…. I think you’d rather have hot chocolate.”

Adora chuckled, “Fair.”

They drove in silence as Adora collected her thoughts. Her phone buzzed again and she glared at the notification. The officer glanced over, “Bad news?”

“Bad person.”   
  


“Oof. Ex?”

“Potentially.”

“The same girl from earlier?” Adora shot her a look and the officer shrugged, “Razz called. She was worried it’d… escalate.”

Adora sighed and leaned her head back against the chair, “No… she was my best friend.”

“Was?”

“She’s also  _ the other woman _ .”

That drew a sympathetic hiss from the officer. Adora tilted her head to look at her. Maybe it was the alcohol, but she wasn’t half bad looking.

Scratch that she was stunning.  _ No, you’re still with Catra. _

_ Aren’t I? Am I? Are we? _

She frowned and shook her head, “Yeah all went to crap… god knows how many days ago. Walked in on the girlfriend and… the best friend.”   
  


The car pulled up in front of Razz’s reception and the officer looked over with… understanding. She nodded, “Let’s get you inside.”

Adora shrugged and got out. She walked carefully to the reception. Razz’s head popped over the counter and she smiled, “MARA dearie… you found Adora.”

  
  


\---------------------

  
  


Catra stared at the message. After a few days silence, where she’d worried herself frantic,  _ this _ message had popped up. It had sent her blood cold. What the  _ fuck _ had Glimmer done? She was sat in the apartment, huddled on the bare couch.

She dialled the pink haired idiot immediately and practically screamed down the phone. All she got was sobs and garbled apologies. Then Glimmer hung up. Catra

Catra stood and paced, hands through her hair. She  _ shouldn’t _ have met up with Glimmer. She  _ should _ have listened to PErfuma and Scorpia. She hadn’t even thought about Therapy, or plans or ideas. She’d just… hung around the apartment… drinking. Swaying between anger and fear and guilt. She took it all in and swallowed.

Her eyes tracked to the dead flowers and still-full wine bottle on the island; the shredded remnants of photographs; the broken glass fragments that still littered parts of the floor.

She needed the place spotless. SHe needed to  _ prove _ to Adora she wasn’t a screw up. Then she could persuade her, tell her that she wasn’t broken. That Adora should stay. That they could  _ fix _ it.

She looked at the glass of wine on the table near the TV - her third of the day and suddenly felt ill. She snatched it up and marched to the sink, then tipped it away. She tore open cabinets and poured away all the alcohol she could find. Then she pulled out a dustpan and began to clear up the floor.

She was going to make this a home for them again. She wasn’t going to mess up. She’d persuade Adora. She would. She had to. She HAD to. She’d change for her, she would. She’d be whatever Adora needed her to be. She would. She WOULD.

\-------

Adora looked over at the dark-skinned woman, “Mara?”

“That’s me. Come on. Nana Razz, hot chocolate?”

“On the stove, dearie.”

“Nana?”   
  


Mara shrugged and smiled, “Adopted. Dodged the foster system, thankfully.”   
  


“Lucky you,” murmured Adora and followed after. The area behind the reception was a cottage-like kitchen. Cosy, warm. Homey. Adora slumped at the large wooden table while Mara stirred a pot on the stove. She gave Adora a reassuring smile.

“So, bad week?”

Adora snorted, “Understatement. Why am I telling you?”

“I have… that sort of face?” the Sheriff-lady grinned and winked, “And… you don’t have to tell me.”   
  


The blonde shrugged, “Usual work for a deputy?”

“Slow day. And like I said. Damsel.”

Adora snorted, “Not that bad…”

Mara didn’t come back with an immediate snark. Catra would’ve. The thought brought a sob up through her throat. Mara ladelled some hot chocolate into a mug and settled it in front of Adora, then served herself some and sat opposite her, “So…?”

Adora looked into those concerned eyes and…. Just told her. The discovery. The slow, eking out of information. The arguments. The fallout. Her reason for coming out here. The confrontation with Glimmer. She sniffled.

“I… I don’t GET it. I thought I’d done everything. The job, the work… I was buying us a future. I helped her through her her trauma, gave her a safe space, was there  _ whenever _ she needed and… and I was the bad guy? Even now, I can see it… in their eyes.”   
  


Mara looked at her… not with pity, but with something close to familiarity. She nodded slowly, “You know… you know, Adora. You are  _ worthy _ of love too.”

Adora laughed, bitterly, “I… I don’t…”

“You are worth MORE than what you can give other people.”

Adora hunched, “You don’t… you don’t know me.”

“But I know what you’re going through… I’ve been there,” Adora stared at her. Mara cocked an eyebrow, “What, think the scary sheriff hasn’t had her heart broken?”

“Um…”

“What, think I’m a  _ spinster?” _ Mara grinned and looked down at herself, “That I wouldn’t get lucky?”

Adora grinned in spite of herself, “Fine… what happened?”

Mara smiled and shrugged, “My former partner….. Hope. She was beautiful. Caring. Kind. But… she started to hang around with the wrong people. We were young. I’d just started out. Used to be Brightmoon PD. But… yeah, she changed. Got more controlling, jealous. It was like… she’d just changed overnight. Broke my heart. And I was breaking myself, nearly killing myself with shifts and also trying to keep her happy, content. At the end… cons outweighed the pros and I had to leave.”

Adora nodded slowly and stared at Mara, “You seem… ok?”

“I was alone for a while It helped. Mostly. I had Nana. I had this place.”

Adora stared out the window and sighed, “Yeah, be nice to just… up sticks and relocate.”

“What’s stopping you?”

“Well there’s…. Ca...and my fr….” Adora trailed off and pursed her lips. The idea  _ had _ been bubbling about her head, “Well I have my  _ job _ and….”

Mara smiled over her mug and tilted her head. Her eyes sparkled, “And what do you  _ want _ Adora? After all’s said and done? What’s the choice YOU want to make?”

Adora closed her eyes and sipped the chocolate. She smiled faintly as she settled on it. Mara nodded herself and they sat in the quiet, enjoying a moment of peace.

  
  


\---------------------

  
  


Catra was jumpy. She knew it was lack of sleep. And caffeine. But she’d had a text from Adora. Her girlfriend was coming back… to the apartment. The text had said  _ the apartment _ . Not  _ home _ .

That was a bad sign, she knew. But she’d cleaned, she’d scrubbed and the place looked immaculate. She’d gotten a notepad and written up lists, pros, cons, plans on how to be  _ better _ . She’d even done a list for Adora, so the blonde would know what had triggered Catra and how they could work together.

She flinched as keys jangled at the door and she was practically bouncing on her feet as Adora stepped into the apartment. Catra was stood by the kitchen island, hands clasped in front of her, trying to keep her nerves from clashing.

Adora looked…. 

Catra couldn’t describe it. She looked  _ different _ . Thinner, perhaps. Slightly waxy, but with her shoulders back and neck straight. She wore a plaid top and jeans and she wasn’t smiling. Her gaze wasn’t flat, wasn’t warm either. Catra swallowed and nodded at her girlfriend.

“Um… Hey…. Adora.”

Adora sighed and smiled thinly, “Catra,” she looked at the apartment again, “You cleaned.”   
  


“Um… yeah, wanted to… do something.”   
  


Adora nodded then gestured to the couch, “We need to talk.”   
  


Catra’s stomach lurched but she nodded rapidly and walked over to the settee. Adora watched her sit, the plonked herself on the armrest far away from Catra. Another bad sign. The blonde regarded her cooly, “You slept with her  _ again _ .”   
  


Catra shook her head violently, “No… no.. I ….” she swallowed under that cold gaze, “I nearly.. I went to say no more and I suddenly just… I missed you and I was drunk and she kissed me and then  _ I ran _ . Because I felt so bad and  _ knew _ I’d screwed up.”

Adora watched her as Catra trailed off, “So. Like I said before I left. You were going to sleep with her, here. Because you have zero self control?”

Catra flinched, “It’s… I….”

The blonde pinched the bridge of her nose, “What do you  _ want _ Catra?”

The question should have been easy, but for a moment it did floor Catra. She wanted to get this  _ right _ , “I… I want us to work out. I want to be with you. I want a future, I want to  _ be better _ for you. I will… I will change I will do whatever you need me to do, be whate-”   
  


“No,” said Adora quietly. She shook her head, “What do you  _ want _ ?”

“Uh…. you?”

“Why.”

Again Catra blinked, surprised. She inhaled and opened her mouth. Then closed it and swallowed, “You… you make me feel good. Grounded. Safe. I feel… able to take on the world. I feel…”

“So it’s about what I can do for you,” interrupted Adora. Catra blinked. She’d lost control of this somewhere.

“No it’s more than that. We compliment each other we…” she flailed. Adora shrugged.

“What do I get out of this, Catra? The knowledge that, once I’ve mended your wounds, healed those scars, you go off and just… make out, fuck whichever girl takes your fancy?”

Catra bridled “Adora that’s.. .that’s not fair.”   
  


“I mean, track record so far…. My point is Catra, what’s to stop this happening again. And Again. And AGAIN? And when you break, you get sad, I shoulder another weight, another crack until I’m ground down to  _ dust _ and you move on anyway?”

The brunette stared at Adora, slightly appalled at the implication, but pinned by it as well. Her jaw moved and Adora slumped in her seat on the other side of the island. She looked  _ defeated _ . Catra had never seen her like this, not even after the huge bust up. And, she realised, even in her deepest, cruelest, grieving moments, she’d never wanted to reduce Adora to  _ this. _

Sharon Weaver would be  _ proud _ .

_ Well look at that, child. Turns out you do have some skill in things. _

Catra choked out words but they made no sense. She tried for levity, “Well, uh… um, the sex was… good?” it was a  _ terrible _ choice. Adora’s eyes rose and she made an  _ uff _ noise. Not a snort of laughter, just an exhalation. And the look on her face was one of… pity? Sudden realisation clear in those blue eyes.

“You really… really don’t like yourself, do you?”   
  


Catra clutched an arm and twitched, then looked away, “What? I… I mean, I have  _ issues _ I know and…”

“No,” breathed Adora and her head tilted, “How… how did I  _ miss _ that? I mean, I thought you had… had confidence worries and that’s why you were always so…  _ you _ . But you  _ hate _ yourself, don’t you?”

“Stop,” mouthed Catra. Adora pushed on.

“This is… all some loop. Some self justifying loop,” Ador let out a breathy, incredulous laugh, then glared at Catra, “And all I am is that little balm, makes you feel better. And you pay me back with… sex?”

“Stop it’s… it’s not that I… I support you, right I… I wasn’t  _ always _ terrible?”

Adora stood slowly and swallowed thickly, “I need to go.”

Catra darted from her chair, desperate. She grappled for Adora’s hands, the blonde offered no resistance. Her eyes were so  _ sad _ . Sad  _ for _ Catra. No, no, that couldn’t be. Catra was  _ bad _ she’d hurt Adora. Adora should be raging, they should be arguing, convincing her. Not being  _ pitied _ . She trembled.

“Please Adora… please. I can be better. For you, I  _ will _ be better. I p...p...promise. I won’t… won’t  _ look _ at anyone else, I’ll be whatever you need me to be, do whatever you need me to do.”

Adora’s face was one of heartbreak. She reached up and cupped Catra’s face and the shorter girl nuzzled the hand, drawing in Adora’s smell - familiar, but tinged with pine and clear air somehow. She felt a thumb drag across her cheek, to wipe away the tears that ran there. Catra couldn’t help it. She reached up and touched Adora’s face.

“Catra I…”

Catra leaned forwards. They kissed and Catra’s heart fluttered. This felt so  _ right _ . So… so  _ true _ . How had anything else felt better? Honestly… it hadn’t. It had been different it had been that minute  _ rush _ . But… she hadn’t paid attention to Adora, ahd pushed her back. That pressure in her chest, she realised, hadn’t been fear. Hadn’t been a sensation of  _ entrapment _ . She felt it blossom as she embraced it and the weight hit her body, not like a crushing, overburdening pain, but the comforting swell of a blanket. A securing, anchoring  _ safety _ .

The pair staggered, pawing at each other. Adora was still crying, Catra was too. They made it to the bedroom - the bed, untouched. Catra hadn’t felt… worthy. She’d stayed in the nest of Adora’s clothes. The sagged onto the mattress and the world became a dizzying array of caresses and mumbled words, encouragements. Catra arched and cried out and clawed at the bed, then groped for Adora and clung to her. Adora… Adora was more muted, quieter as Catra tried to reach for  _ her _ . But she felt herself gently pushed away as Adora focused on her. It felt odd, but Catra couldn’t think straight.

She sank after however long - she didn’t know. The sky was dark outside, the bedroom warm. Their clothes were gone and she wrapped herself around Adora, clung to her like she was the last, real, thing in the world.

“Did Glimmer make you feel that?” the words were dull, emotionless and Catra cringed, the afterglow muted now. She buried her face into Adora’s neck and felt the other girl absently stroke her shoulder, “Go to sleep Catra….”

Catra drew a ragged breath, “I…. I…”

Adora sighed and Catra felt the gulf. She clung to the girl, willed it away. Adora’s arm didn’t move. She lay there and Catra felt the blonde’s breathing slide into sleep.

It took her a while to fall asleep as her tears slipped onto the chest of the woman she knew, she  _ knew _ she loved. Beyond the shadow of any doubts. She clung on and hoped. And prayed.

\---------

Two days later, Catra returned from work to find Adora sat with all her bags by the door. It’s amazing how your world can shift in a moment. And that was when Catra’s world came crashing down.

She cried, argued, shouted about how they’d  _ reconnected _ . And Adora had stood, rigid through it all and stared at her. Then she’d spoken softly.

“I’ve quit my job. I’m leaving Brightmoon.”

Catra had thudded to a halt at that, “Why?” she cracked, her hoarse voice little more than a creak. Adora had stared at her with those pitying eyes.

“Everything… everything here is a memory. And….”

“You hate me,” murmured Catra. Adora bit her lip and shook her head.

“No. I’m angry, Catra. So angry. Every time I see you, every time we talk… and I’m angry because I  _ love _ you and it wasn’t  _ enough _ .”   
  


“I said I’m going to change!”

“And like I said… how long? How long before you  _ hate _ yourself again and then… hate me? For  _ making _ you change. How long before you think I’m like  _ Sharon _ ? For trying to force you into something? How long until all those restrictions you want me to enforce chafe at you and you  _ resent _ me? Before you make me into the bad guy  _ again _ .”

“You… you were never the bad guy!”

“I was here. I was here  _ too much _ . I gave everything for your bad days. And you ended up giving Glimmer all your good ones.”

“Not… not all!” as if that was a valid response. Catra cursed her mouth as they spilled out. She reached for Adora but the blonde held up a hand.

“This is for  _ me _ Catra. I can’t break myself. I can’t be your fucking  _ therapist _ and your lover and your emotional punching bag. Not when… when I…”

“I support you! I listen to you!” tried Catra, heat in her words. Adora tilted her head, face now dangerously blank. Catra swallowed.

“Ok. Fine. My last project? Any idea how much overtime I did?”   
  


“I… you were late home and…”

“And you were out. With  _ Glimmer _ . My actual feelings on all  _ this _ ? When was the last time you asked if I was  _ ok _ …? Not whether I forgive  _ you _ , but whether  _ I _ was ok? When was the last time you came to me to comfort me without it being sex?”

“It’s,... it’s been TWO DAYS! Give me…”

“Give  _ you _ . YOU. Always YOU. I need to open my heart again. I need to let you in again. I need to let you feel better  _ again _ ,” Adora snorted, “You didn’t even make breakfast..”

That felt weird but Catras jangled brain clicked into place. She trembled, anger and remorse warring in her breast. Adora sighed and stepped past her, bags in tow. She paused and frowned at Catra who clenched her eyes shut and managed a, “I’m… sorry Adora.”

“I know you are,” came the soft reply. A gentle kiss touched her cheek, “And I will… try to remember the good times. I hope… I hope you find what you need Catra.”

She stood there for a long time after the door had clicked shut. Around ehr, the apartment felt like a shell. A dead thing. No light in the rooms. Ghosts of Adora, hunched over the island in the kitchen, tongue stuck out at an angle, look of intense focus on her face. Adora, feet up on the couch, nose in a book. Adora, carrying over a coffee for Catra as she typed on a laptop. Adora, massaging her shoulders. Adora caring. Adora loving. Adora  _ giving _ every day.

And Catra taking, greedily. Giving only when the limit looked reached, topping things up.

She let out a raggedy breath and squeezed her eyes tighter. She wanted to rail, to scream to smash something. But that quiet part of her mind, the part that wasn’t like something cloaked in shadow, the part she  _ should _ have listened to weeks ago… it popped up with a thought.

She pulled her phone out and opened the last message Perfuma had sent her. She looked at the contact details, then dialled the number. It picked up and Catra managed to croak out.

“Hi...I… I’d like to make an appointment? To… see if… if we can work together. Therapy, y’know?

  
  
  
  


**_1 year later_ **

Thaymor was… quaint. Catra had stopped in to just get out of the city for a while. It had been…. A difficult year. Work had only gotten more intense. She’d had a moment where her drinking had been escalating to keep up. But the therapy had pushed through that. A  _ coping mechanism _ and a  _ masking technique _ were the phrases that had been used.

It had taken a while to really open up. To really be  _ honest _ to her therapist. She’d tried deflection at first, straight up grumpy monosyllabic answers. But the woman, an older, patient lady, had just arched her eyebrow right back and told her they had child therapists if she felt that was more appropriate. That had gotten a smirk from Catra.

She’d also not done great in the first couple of weeks - for one, she’d railed about how Adora had LEFT her. Again. How ADORA had basically just not cared, not done enough etc etc yadda yadda. It was on her fourth session, in only two weeks (Yeah she was cramming them in, even if the therapist said they were to try different topics each time, to get a feel… she kept coming back to Adora) that she broke whilst trying to rage  _ at _ Adora’s memory. She’d cried for fifteen minutes as her dam finally broke properly and she just spilled everything.

Her therapist had nodded and smiled gently, then coaxed more out. Gotten more about her upbringing. Her need for support. Her resentment at  _ needing _ support. Her need to be her own person and her fear that that meant being alone.

She was still in therapy and she doubted she’d ever really  _ stop _ . It was a session every two weeks now but she felt… lighter. Not mended. Not  _ better _ but… lighter. Able to actually analyse her thoughts without that horrid little ghost chipping away at her choices.

She’d made some awful mistakes of course, at least mostly after Adora left. She’d run straight back to Glimmer, desperate for a connection - since all their friends had basically ghosted them both.

They lasted four days. Not even any sex. They’d tried dates and Catra’s original thought - that they only focused on negatives, or their mutuals - was proved right as awkward conversation followed awkward conversation. They tried to kiss and it had felt  _ wrong _ for them both. They’d watched a movie in Glimmer's temporary bedsit. And they hadn’t been able to agree on anything. They talked, briefly, about their exes. With fondness, they realised. With grief. And regret.

On the fourth day, Glimmer had called to say that she and Bow were ‘trying again’. He’d let her move back in, but into a separate room. She’d then, apologetically, said she was going to block Catra, to ‘avoid temptation’.

That had been two more weeks worth of therapy to untangle her feelings on that. It wasn’t grief over losing a lover - it was grief over losing a friend she’d confused for something else. And also for how  _ unnecessary  _ it all felt. Anger at how she felt cast aside again.

This trip had been on her therapists advice - the city was just a constant hamster wheel of pressures. Normally she hated the countryside, only tolerating it for Adora and even then… only begrudgingly and with a lot of complaints. She felt, with another stab of guilt, that was why Adora had stopped organising their days out. And Catra hadn’t picked up the slack… which had been another notch on her  _ get irritated with Adora for not bothering _ piece of hypocrisy.

She browsed the farmers market quietly, thinking about the drive she was going to take further out, towards the mountains. Just some time up in the fresh air. Maybe she’d try writing. Maybe just… sit. 

Catra’d tried dating over the past year but no one clicked, no one felt... right. Or maybe she didn’t feel right, still. She’d slept with one or two but again, it had been… perfunctory at best.

No, she was mostly focusing on just… improving herself, a little. Scorpia had even started speaking to her again a few months back, tentatively. Catra had welcomed it and made sure to  _ show _ she welcomed it, actually  _ expressing _ her emotions properly. She’d even dropped by with a gift basket and a handwritten letter of apology for Perfuma, who had actually hugged her. They’d managed a brief coffee before Catra had excused herself. They now met weekly for smaller catchups. It was a slow process.

The most major change was that Catra now lived with Entrapta and her stilted boyfriend. It was a small room, but the apartment was a converted warehouse in the quieter part of Brightmoon. Their old place had felt like a corpse and she’d cleared it out. She still had a box of things that had been  _ theirs _ and couldn’t bring herself to throw it away.

She looked up and glanced down the street, taking in the simplicity of the small town’s few stores. Something caught her eye and she froze. Blonde hair. Familiar, set shoulders. Lithe form, toned. She stared across the expanse of pavement at the familiar ghost of all her hopes and dreams. The girl hadn’t seen her yet. She opened her mouth.

“ADORA!” Catra blinked and her eyes tracked a figure jogging down the road. An officer? A sheriff?

She watched as Adora turned and saw a smile light up her face. From this angle, Catra could see she didn’t look tired, nor had that faint, drawn air to her. The officer drew up and panted. Catra could see she was…. Stunning. Russel skin, and deep brown hair pulled into a thick ponytail. The woman bent over and breathed and Adora cocked a hip and smirked.

“Seriously Mara? You get winded  _ that _ easily now?”

“Someone must be running me ragged,” chuckled the cop. She held up a paper bag to Adora, “You forgot this.”   
  


“Um, you know you’re a cop, not Uber eats, right?” snarked Adora. Catra felt a pang - when was the last time they’d had that sort of back and forth?

Mara straightened and smiled, a warm expression, “Well, we do like to get a tip, y’know?”

Adora tapped her chin thoughtfully, then lunged at the cop. Catra blinked in surprise as the blonde lifted the woman up and spun her around. The cop smiled and draped her arms over Adora’s shoulders. It was… impressive. They were the same size, practically. Like watching two giants cuddle.

Mara pressed her forehead against Adora’s and Catra felt like she was intruding. But the two women only seemed to have eyes for each other. Adora leaned in and gave her a sizzling kiss. They broke apart as the storekeeper nearby laughed and shouted, “Get a room you two!”

There was no malice there, just… fondness. Mara, still wrapped in Adora, looked over and mock glared, “We’ve got one. She just left, the goof.”

“What, gonna drag me back there for public indecency?” smirked Adora. Mara untangled her legs from around the blonde and stood straight. She gently pushed Adora.

“Don’t make me cuff you.”   
  


“I’d have to  _ make _ you?”

Mara turned her head away and coughed, then smiled, “Dinner with Razz, remember?”

“Of course, babe. Now… go off and… arrest some escaped cows or something.”   
  


“Hey! I have a very stressful and busy work life! Life and limb, Adora!”

“As long as you don’t try to rescue any damsels. We know how that turns out…”   
  


Mara cringed and smiled, “You… you do know I wasn’t trying to… y’know?”

Adora hummed and shrugged, “I know. I got to meet you. And it meant I had someone to lean on when I got here. So, get  _ out _ of your head, missy. Cows need guarding.”

Mera rolled her head back and chuckled, “I swear… one slow ass chase through town after  _ one _ cow, you get a reputation,” she leaned forwards and pecked Adora on the lips, then squeezed her hand and pushed the brown paper bag into them, “Enjoy work, see you later.”   
  


Catra ducked behind a stall as Adora wandered past, practically floating. Her own heart was… it hurt. Bad. She felt that last, desperate shred of hope burn away.

But she also felt something else. Happiness. She watched Adora walk away, down the road, oblivious. But she knew that the girl was  _ happy _ . Content. And… and that was a  _ good _ thing. She swallowed as watched, selfishly wanting to keep this image in her mind forever, to just  _ freeze _ the image of Adora into her brain, her eyes, to hold onto.

The blonde turned a corner and vanished from sight. Catra closed her eyes and swallowed, thickly. She inhaled, then walked over to her car. She thumbed the locked and reached for the door handle.

“She still misses you,” the voice sliced into her and she looked to find the officer, Mara, staring at her carefully. Catra swallowed and nodded.

“And I… miss her.”

Mara took an appraising look at her and Catra wondered if she was about to be on the receiving end of some police brutality. But the woman just frowned, “Was it worth it?”

Catra flinched. Of course this woman knew. But she took a breath and looked away, “No.”

“Yeah….” Mara looked away too, “You here for her?”

Catra shook her head, “Stupid coincidence. And… I… I’m glad she’s happy. It’s so long since I saw her smile like  _ that _ ,” she exhaled, “Even if it’s for someone else.”

Mara studied her and a ghost of a smile crossed her face. She nodded, “I think she’d want to see you happy to, Catra.”

“Oh so she told you my name, huh?”

“Told me a lot. Took her a while to… settle.”

“Moved on pretty quick,” she couldn’t help the faint bite and closed her eyes, “Sorry.”

“Hey, I get it. And… it took her six months. We were friends first. I’m not  _ that _ kind of girl. But,... we got on. And she’s just… amazing.”

Catra smiled sadly, “I know,” she glanced at the cop and glared, “And… if you do  _ anything _ to hurt her. If you come  _ close _ to the mistakes I made. I don’t  _ care _ how well trained you are, how well armed, how many people you know, I will fucking  _ end _ you.”

That got a serious look from Mara. And then she nodded slowly, “I won’t. Never. But… thank you,” she straightened and began to walk away, then paused and gave Catra an appraising look, “I wish Hope had changed like you,” Catra frowned and Mara continued, “I’ll talk to Adora. I think… I think it’d be good for you two to talk.”

“Not scared I’ll try to get her back?” joked Catra, only half way there. She stared at the woman who just smiled again.

“No,” the iron clad  _ certainty _ of that word was like lead, but there was still  _ something _ in Catra’s chest that lightened. She nodded quickly.

“Ok… th...thank you.”

Mara nodded then gave her a little salute, two fingers to her brow, “Drive safe, ma’am.”

Catra watched Thaymor disappear in her rear view mirror. Her gut coiled with emotions. Sadness, remorse… but also tentative hope. Adora would never be  _ hers _ again, she knew.

But she might, perhaps, be part of her life, in some small way. And she was a better person now. Growing. The distance had, actually, helped. She sighed as she switched the radio to a more soothing channel and leaned back in the drivers seat.

The future was worth the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go!
> 
> Thank you all for reading this and for going on this emotional rollercoaster with me. It was a RUSH. I am thinking of an alternative chapter with some interesting changes, to show how little choices, little realisations can change things. Maybe for the better. At least for the different.
> 
> I haven't focused on GlimBow because, as you can see.... this is a DENSE chapter. 30 pages? Too much Glimmer / Bow would detract from our main focus, of course.
> 
> And what about that, huh. Mara! Couldn't resist - of all the people, the person who, in canon, shares a LITERAL SOUL with Adora would probably make a good alternative, huh?
> 
> Please, as ever, let me know what you think, whether this resonated, whether it WORKED for you.
> 
> If you hated it, do tell, but keep the hate to a manageable level (So far, no one has threatened to burn my very soul and curse my first born, so I count that as a win!)
> 
> Thank you, everyone. My other fics will be a lot brighter because of this ;)

**Author's Note:**

> There's going to be THREE chapters to this:
> 
> Adora  
> Catra  
> The End
> 
> IT's not going to be light. Or easy. And I am still unsure if we're going for a happy ending or just a melancholic one. If you can HAVE a happy ending here at all.


End file.
